A Russian-Jewish Farce in
One Act
by Justin Winston and
Benjamin Sher
(from a story by the
Shargorodsky Brothers
as translated from Russian by Benjamin Sher)
Copyright 1990 by Justin
Winston and Benjamin Sher
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Abram Shapiro -- Easily excitable ambitious Under Secretary in the local Politburo.
About 35 years old.
Abram's Wife -- non-speaking
Moshe -- Abram's very Jewish father, speaks with as thick a Yiddish
accent as can be understood. 60 - 70 years old.
Rachel -- Abram's mother, Moshe's wife about the same age as Moshe and
also speaks with a heavy accent.
Ivan Stephanovich -- An ambitious gentile from across the Urals. About
the same age as Abram.
First Secretary -- The leader of the local Politburo. More poised and
self assured than Abram therefore seems more in control than Abram but he is
basically from the same ethnic background. Should be very ernest at all times.
Chaim -- A neighbor and friend of Moshe. Also very Jewish, speaking with
a Yiddish accent.
Members of the Politburo -- 4 or 5 or as many as can fit on stage
without obstructing the action.
PROP LIST
Dining Room Table-- Should be fairly plain and large enough to accomodate the politburo
meeting in the last scene.
Chairs-- to go around table at least four. They don't have to match.
Mantle Piece
Big Thick Book-- Any big thick book will do.
Tallis (Prayer Shawl)
Two identical blankets to be made up as babies
Poster of Sverdlov (Founder of the Soviet Bureaucracy)
A wind-up phonograph
Matzos
Moshe's Prayer Book
Hassidic Coat
Towel-- identical in size and shape to the Tallis.
[Curtain up.]
[Moshe and Rachel are
standing stage left. Abram Shapiro enters stage left, crossing upstage of Moshe
and Rachel. He stops, turns squints suspiciously at Moshe and Rachel.]
Abram Shapiro
[accusingly]
What are you two after?
Moshe
Mazel tov, Abram!
Abram Shapiro
Mazel tov, Moshe Solomonovich. Mazel tov!!? Not in
my house! No! No Yiddish! Speak Russian in my house. Haven't you got it into
your thick head we must give up all these relics of the decadent past.
Moshe
[Raises his hands as in prayer. An aside to God.]
Oy vey! I can't even compliment my own son in my own
house in my own language. So now he wants that I should talk Russian, too? [to
Abram] All right, Mr. Politburo Member, Mr. new Under Secretary, I speak
Russian -- Mazel Tov, Tovarich!
Abram Shapiro
Ach, you're hopeless! You don't even realize that in
the Worker's
Moshe
[under his breath]
Gonifs!
Abram Shapiro
It's a good thing that at least one person in this
family is looking toward the future, helping to build a perfect . . .
Moshe
[interrupting]
And you're a k'nocker.
[They both glare at each
other for a take.]
Rachel
Stop fighting, meine Kinderle. Why fight? Look it's
dinner time. Abram, some tsimesa? Eat!
Abram Shapiro
[Shifts his glare to Rachel]
No.
Rachel
Some khamentashen, then. It's good for you.
Abram Shapiro
[more firmly]
No! You know we don't eat that anymore!
Rachel
What's the matter? You used to like it so much. Are
you feeling sick? How about some gefilte fish. You'll feel better.
Abram Shapiro
There's nothing wrong with me, Mama. Don't you know
that we, who are building a new world here in the Workers'
Moshe
Oy, with the "relics" again!
Abram Shapiro
How do you expect to move into the
Moshe
Personal relic? What personal relic? What you talking
about? Such a mishegoss!
Abram Shapiro
You know damn well what I'm talking about. I mean
the reason that you don't go to the public baths any more, and why you haven't
gone in years. [Folds his arms, looks at Moshe's crotch]
Moshe
[looks down at his own crotch]
Oh, that relic. [looks up at Abram] Listen,
we can give up a lot for your socialist paradise. Didn't we invite you to join
us here in this communal apartment to show our socialist solidarity. And didn't
I hand my galoshes shop over to the state? And didn't I quit the choir? But,
Abram Shapiro, there are some things even the state cannot ask a man to give
up.
Abram Shapiro
[in righteous indignation]
Whom are you kidding? If we hadn't closed down the
synagogue you'd have gone on singing till doomsday. And I'm your son, I'd be
living here anyway. All you ever think of doing is hampering us in our glorious
work of building the New World of Socialist Perfection.
Rachel
So who's stopping you, mein Kind?
Abram Shapiro
Who's
stopping me?! Just what is this?
[He picks up the wrapped package on the table.]
How can I build a socialist worker's paradise with this?!
[Rachel and Moshe look off in opposite directions like children who have been
caught with their fingers in the cookie jar. Moshe shrugs.]
Moshe
[Facetiously and under his breath.]
Use lots of plaster, maybe? The state needs
wallboard.
Abram Shapiro
[Angry]
Stop pretending, Papa! You know what matzo looks
like.
Moshe
Oh, matzo. So that's matzo. I never would have
guessed!
Abram Shapiro
[Angry]
How did it ever get into this house?
Moshe
[Fidgeting]
Well, uh . . .
Abram Shapiro
[Insistent]
What do you have to say for yourself, Papa? Where
did this come from?
Moshe
Uh, um, you see, uh, it was, uh . . .
Rachel
It's old matzo!
Moshe
Right!
It's old matzo!
Rachel
It was baked before the Revolution!
Moshe
It was baked before the Revolution. In fact, it was
baked in 1917--September. On the very eve of the Revolution.
Abram Shapiro
[Unwrapping the package and looking at the contents]
[Suspiciously]
It looks pretty fresh.
Moshe
It was a good batch.
Abram Shapiro
[Sniffs the package, glares at Moshe]
And it smells pretty fresh, too. Why is this so
fresh?
Moshe
[challenging]
So, Mister Shtunker, eat some. You tell me how fresh it is. You, the big expert
on matzo! Go on eat it!
Abram Shapiro
[shouting indignantly]
Me! You want me to eat matzo! Me, a member in good standing of the Communist
Party! Me, the new Under Secretary of the Politburo! Eat matzo?! Matzo?! May
you all rot in
[He starts pacing wildly around the room shouting, "Matzo! He wants me
to eat matzo!" repeatedly. Moshe and Rachel watch him pace as if they were
watching a tennis match. Moshe starts singing, "Boldly Comrades, into the
Breach." He stops in mid chorus as Abram begins to speak.]
Abram Shapiro
[Shouting wildly]
If you don't get rid of that matzo by tomorrow, I'm leaving. And that's that!
Period! Just try to get along without me!
[Moshe and Rachel look at each other. Then they both take up the song where
Moshe left off. Abram storms out of the room.]
[Curtain]
[Shapiro living room]
Moshe enters stage left, followed by Rachel. He looks around.]
Moshe
[calling]
Abram! Abram Shapiro! Are you there? [looks at Rachel] Well, Rachel,
looks like the great Party leader is not at home.
Rachel
No, Moshele, looks like he is not.
Moshe
And what a pity, on such an important day in his
son's life.
Rachel
Yes, Moshele, such a pity!
[They smile at one another.]
Moshe
Rachel, I will stay here and watch for him, while
you go to the nursery and get the baby.
[Rachel nods her acceptance and leaves the room. She returns with a baby
wrapped up in a blanket. They all leave. The stage darkens.]
[Stage lights come up. Moshe and Rachel enter. They are very happy. Rachel
is carrying the baby.]
Moshe
Rachel, take our grandson to his crib. What a bris!
Did you see? That fellow, what's his name - - the mohel, he really knows his
business. Wait, I'll get the rest of the stuff.
[Rachel rocks the baby a bit while Moshe goes out. Moshe returns with a
portable windup record player. He winds it up and puts on a record of
revolutionary marches. Rachel looks somewhat disapprovingly at the phonograph
and leaves the room with the baby. Moshe leaves again and returns this time
with a large book Rachel reenters.]
Moshe
[proudly]
"The History of the Communist Party of the
[Rachel shrugs.]
[He puts the book on the table so it makes a thud. Rachel goes to the table and
leafs through the book. She closes the book and shrugs. He leaves again and
returns with a portrait just a little too big to look good in the room and so
heroic that it is a parody. He places it above the mantle.]
Moshe
[Proudly gesturing to the picture]
Sverdlov, Hero of the Revolution!
[Rachel shrugs.]
[Moshe sets up the phonograph. Puts on a record and starts it playing. It's a
very scratchy recording of "Boldly Comrades".]
Moshe
[Proudly gesturing to the phonograph]
Heroes of the Revolution!
[Rachel shrugs.]
[There is a commotion off stage. Abram Shapiro enters with his wife. He is
talking to her.]
Abram Shapiro
And so I feel that the Central Committee has outdone
itself with this latest five year plan. Efficiency and production will be so
improved [He sees Moshe smiling broadly. He nods greeting to him.] the
problem [He takes the needle off the record] You can hardly hear
yourself think, the problem will be finding a warehouse large enough [He
glances up at the portrait.] to store every . . . [Double take. He looks
around the room.] What is all this? What's going on? What kind of mishegoss
did you do this time?
Moshe
[very proudly]
Mazel tov!
Abram Shapiro
Thank you. What!?
Moshe
I mean, Mazel tov, Tovarich!
Abram Shapiro
Now, I know you're up to something. What is it? What
did you do?
Moshe
Do? Me? Why, nothing, Abram Isaacovich. What do you
mean?
Abram Shapiro
[Indicating the new decorations.]
I mean all this. You know very well what I mean.
Moshe
Oh! All this. I was just celebrating, what else?
Abram Shapiro
[very suspiciously]
Celebrating? What's there to celebrate? What the
hell are you celebrating?
Moshe
What a schlemiel! Don't you know nothing. I was celebrating
the anniversary of our glorious Revolution. I'm surprised at the big shot Party
Member!
Abram Shapiro
Oh, of course. The anniversary of our glorious
Revolution. I should have known. Wait a minute, what do you mean by
"our" revolution? Wasn't it only yesterday that you, yourself were
exploiting your fellow man.
Moshe
Exploiting my fellow man? You talking about the
galoshes shop?
Abram Shapiro
Of course! The galoshes shop where you shamefully
exploited the downtrodden workers.
Moshe
Workers?! You mean my brother, Yosef? Nobody else
worked there and we both worked from dawn to dusk. I remember sometimes, during
the summer, when the business was slow, we actually saw the sun. But when
business was slow, we'd worry that we'd starve so we didn't really enjoy the
sun too much.
Abram Shapiro
Aha! You admit it! You exploited your fellow man
until our glorious state forced you to turn the exploitive business over to the
people.
Moshe
Who did I exploit? My brother, Yosef. You're saying
I exploited my brother, Yosef!
Abram Shapiro
Your own brother. You Capitalist Pig! You should be
ashamed.
Moshe
If Yosef was so exploited, then why did he leave the
"Worker's
Abram Shapiro
He was incapable of living without exploitation!
He's probably starved to death by now.
Moshe
Not at all, Mien kind. In fact, I just got a letter
from him the other day.
Abram Shapiro
A letter!? From, Yosef!?
Moshe
Yes! A letter from, Yosef. What's so surprising
about that? He can read and write. [Takes a letter out of his pocket.]
He says, "Dear Moshele Solomonovich." See, he has adopted the
American form of address.
Abram Shapiro
And probably the American form of exploitation.
Moshe
Not at all, listen: "I am living in the Bronx
of New York City. There are over ten thousand Russians here as well as
thousands of Poles, Serbs and all kinds of other Jews."
Abram Shapiro
All in one
Moshe
No one, Abram, he goes on: "I have a hot dog
stand of my own. The factory workers eat hundreds of hot dogs at lunch, and
even more on weekends."
Abram Shapiro
Papa, your brother is worse than dead! He learned a
lot from you. He is living in a
Moshe
Sure,
sure, I know--our revolution did away with exploitation.
Abram Shapiro
Keep your filthy Jewish hands off "our"
revolution! You had nothing to do with it. If you had had your way you would
have left.
Moshe
Maybe I should have gone. I would have gone, too. If
I hadn't almost died right before the boat left.
Abram Shapiro
You got sea-sick as soon as you got on board the
ship, and it hadn't even left the harbor.
Moshe
It was a very rough day.
Abram Shapiro
You can't die from sea-sickness.
Moshe
A lot you know, Mr. Verkakter Kind! You've never
been sea-sick.
Abram Shapiro
Nobody ever died from sea-sickness!
Moshe
It happens every day!
Abram Shapiro
Not in
Moshe
"Our" Revolution has done away with
sea-sickness, is that it?
Abram Shapiro
Keep your hands off "our" revolution!
Moshe
[walking over to the sideboard]
And keep your meshuggeneh hands off my sea-sickness!
Abram Shapiro
Listen, as long as you are under this roof . . .
[Moshe roughly takes the record off the phonograph and opens a drawer and
takes out his tallis (prayer shawl).]
Abram Shapiro
. . .What are you doing!
Moshe
None
of your meshuggeneh business.
[Moshe puts on the tallis and begins to pray in the Orthodox Jewish manner,
bowing deeply and swaying from side to side]. Ve-havienu leshalom mearbah knafot
ha-Arets, ki el po-el yeshout ata, ubanu bakharta mi-kol am velashon . . .
Baruch ata Adonai, habokher be-amo
Just what do you
think you're doing! [Addressing the picture on the wall.] Comrade
Sverdlov, look what he's doing! We must be strong. We must take courage from
the History of the Soviet Peoples of the
[He takes a
tattered book out of his pocket and begins to read from it. His reading begins
to imitate the same tone of voice and movements as Moshe in his prayers. They
each read louder and louder trying to out do one another.]
"All stages of Socialist construction repersent a
universal-historical victory of the working class under the wise leadership of
the Communist Party of the Soviet Union." [Takes a breath. Looks at
Moshe.] "Even the enemies of the Soviet Union have had to acknowledge
the success of the Five Year Plan. [Begins to become hoarse.] The
prophecies of doom pronounced by world capitalism and its agents have proved
premature. The working class has proven that it can get along without
landowners, capitalists and rich kulaks, [He can now hardly talk.] that
they can . . .can [cough] can build a new, superior, socialist order
that knows nothing of crises and unemployment, strife and want. In every sphere
of human endeavor the Five Year Plan as envisioned and implemented by the wise
leadership of Soviet State of Russian workers has proved itself economic and
creative superior of the bankrupt, repressive capitalist systems of the enemies
of the working peoples of the world."
[Curtain]
[The following morning. As the curtain opens
Abram is at the table eating breakfast.]
[Enter Moshe.]
Moshe
A guten morgan, Abram.
[Abram grunts.]
Moshe
I hope you are feeling better this morning.
[Abram grunts again.]
Moshe
Where would Our Revolution be if you were sick, ha?!
Abram Shapiro
I told you never to say ou. . .
[He chokes on some of the breakfast.]
Moshe
[Goes over to Abram and starts slapping him on his back.]
Let me help you. Cough it up, mein kind. It could cause sea-sickness and you
could die.
Abram Shapiro
[Recovering a little]
You can't die from sea-sick . . .[coughs again] . . . ness. [He is
seized with a coughing bout.]
[sf/x: knock on door.]
Moshe
You'll be alright. You're not sea-sick yet. I'll get
the door.
[Goes to front door. Opens door.]
Moshe
Ah! Ivan Stephanovich. Mazel tov!
[Enter Ivan]
Ivan Stephanovich
Mazel what?
Moshe
I mean; Mazel tov, tovarich.
Ivan Stephanovich
What?
Moshe
Oh, I forgot, you come from the other side of the
Urals.
Ivan Stephanovich
I don't understand.
Moshe
You wouldn't. Never mind.
Ivan Stephanovich
Anyway, Moshe Solomonovich, I've got to talk to
Comrade Abram right away.
Moshe
He's right this way. Tell me, Ivan Stephanovich,
when you came here from over the Urals were you ever sea-sick?
Ivan Stephanovich
Sea-sick?! No, There's no sea between here and . . .
Moshe
Ah, ha! You see, he didn't get sea-sick and he is
still alive!
Ivan Stephanovich
What?! What are you talking about?
Moshe
I'm talking about death, Ivan Stephanovich, death
and sea-sickness.
Ivan Stephanovich
I don't think I understand that either.
Moshe
You wouldn't, you're from beyond the Urals. Don't
strain your mind.
Ivan Stephanovich
Uh, I've got to talk to Comrade Abram.
Moshe
So
talk.
Ivan Stephanovich
It's important.
Moshe
So death and sea-sickness, that's not important?
Ivan Stephanovich
Party business.
Moshe
Oh! Party business! Party business comes before
death and sea-sickness, is that it? You'll excuse me. I am an old man and it is
morning and I must do what an old man must do in the morning.
[Begins walking off stage.]
Moshe
[As he exits.]
I shouldn't want to disturb Party business with
death. After all, I might get sea-sick and drop dead. Then where would you be?
You and the rest of "Our" Revolution.
[Exit Moshe.]
Ivan Stephanovich
What was all that about?
Abram Shapiro
Oh, nothing. Don't mind him. What can I do for you
this morning, Comrade?
Ivan Stephanovich
Do for me? No, Comrade Shapiro, I came here to help
you!
[Ivan begins to pick food off Abram's plate.]
Abram Shapiro
Help me? How?
Ivan Stephanovich
The First Secretary wants to see you right away.
Abram Shapiro
The First Secretary? See me? I'd better get down to
the office immediately.
Ivan Stephanovich
No, Comrade, he's coming here to see you.
Abram Shapiro
Here to see me!
Ivan Stephanovich
And he's got your dossier under his arm.
Abram Shapiro
My dossier! Why?
Ivan Stephanovich
I don't know. But if you are in some trouble, you
can count on me, Comrade Abram.
Abram Shapiro
[visibly worried]
Thank you, Comrade Ivan, I . . . I may need your support.
Ivan Stephanovich
If you are accused of some crime against the state
and you are threatened with demotion or worse, don't worry.
Abram Shapiro
Thank you again. I'm glad I can count on you.
Ivan Stephanovich
Of course you can count on me, my friend. Yes, when
you are gone, I will be glad to take your position on the Politburo. The
revolution will continue.
Abram Shapiro
[dejectedly sarcastic]
Oh. Thank you, Ivan Stephanovich, you're a true friend.
Ivan Stephanovich
Of course, where is the back door. The First
Secretary mustn't see me here, talking to you especially. You understand.
Abram Shapiro
The back door? Oh, it's that way. [pointing]
Ivan Stephanovich
Thank you, Comrade. A man in my position can't take
too many chances.
[Ivan takes Abram's hand and shakes it. Abram is thinking about his own
troubles and doesn't notice.]
Ivan Stephanovich
And remember, if by some chance you are exonerated,
I helped you. Otherwise, I was never here.
[Exit Ivan]
Abram Shapiro
[Distracted]
Oh, of course. The khazer! What could the First Secretary want here? What? I
haven't done anything wrong. I've given up all my Jewish roots. I hardly even
remember what gefilte fish tastes like. And Yiddish, why, sometimes I try not
even to think in Yiddish. I know! It's the matzo! The First Secretary found out
about yesterday's matzo!
[sf/x: knock on door.]
[Abram goes to the door muttering, "It was the matzo." He opens the
door.]
Abram Shapiro
Mr. Comrade Secretary, don't believe it! It isn't
fresh! It was baked long ago, probably in 1917! Before the Revolution.
[Enter First Secretary. He is carrying a folder.]
First Secretary
Isn't fresh? What isn't fresh? What was baked long
ago?
Abram Shapiro
Uh, the autumn crop. It isn't fresh.
First Secretary
The autumn crop isn't fresh? And it was baked long
ago?
Abram Shapiro
Baked? Oh! No! Did I say baked, I meant faked. A
long time ago. Under the Czar--they faked the autumn crop. Not like we do
today. They just filled out the proper forms and there wasn't any crop at all.
No, we do that now! I meant they raked the autumn crop . . .
First Secretary
[interrupting]
Comrade Shapiro, are you sure you're all right?
Abram Shapiro
All right? Yes, I'm fine. Never better. I - I - I'm
not even sea-sick!
First Secretary
Sea-sick?
Abram Shapiro
[emphatically]
You can't die from sea-sickness!
First Secretary
[opening the folder]
Yes, I know. Now, there's something very serious I have to talk to you about.
Abram Shapiro
[indignant]
Sea-sickness and death aren't serious?!
First Secretary
Comrade Shapiro, please come to your senses. This is
very serious.
Abram Shapiro
Of course, Mr. Secretary what is it? I don't know
what could have come over me.
First Secretary
Good, it seems, Comrade Shapiro, that some rather
damaging allegations have been made against you.
Abram Shapiro
[hysterically]
It isn't true. Don't believe it. Ivan Stephanovich is lying!
First Secretary
Maybe you do need a rest, Comrade.
[The First Secretary looks down for a moment to write something on the
folder.]
Abram Shapiro
[while the Secretary is writing.]
I'm fine! Ivan Stephanovich is a liar! There is no matzo in this house!
[Abram picks something up off the table and is emphasizing his words with it
until he realizes that it is a piece of matzo. He does a double take and throws
it away just as the First Secretary looks up from writing.]
First Secretary
You realize, do you not, that for centuries the
Czarist government, the Russian bourgeoisie and especially Jewish tradition
have inculcated into the minds of the people certain vestiges of the decadent
past.
Abram Shapiro
Yes, Comrade Secretary, of course.
First Secretary
And you realize that we must work to eradicate these
vestiges of the past since we are no longer oppressed by the Czar, the
bourgeoisie or Judaism.
Abram Shapiro
Of course, but I told you, we don't have any matzo.
And it's old--from before . . .
First Secretary
Matzo isn't important, Comrade Shapiro.
Abram Shapiro
It isn't?
First Secretary
Not now. We're talking about one of the most
indelible vestiges of the oppressors.
[Enter Moshe. He listens for a while at the edge of the stage. He turns to leave.]
First Secretary
We are talking about--circumcision!
[Moshe stops. He reacts to the word "circumcision".]
Abram Shapiro
Ah, ha! Circumcision! Uh, why are we talking about
circumcision.
First Secretary
Because, Abram Isaacovich Shapiro, you have had your
son circumcised!
Abram Shapiro
I didn't have any choice, I was too young. It was
done before the Rev . . . My son? Wait, my son isn't circumcised.
First Secretary
Comrade Shapiro, it would be better for you to
confess. These things are easy enough to prove.
Abram Shapiro
You're right, they are easy to prove. Moshe, get the
baby.
Moshe
Uh, Abram, uh.
First Secretary
No! Don't get him!
Abram Shapiro
No! Don't get him!
Moshe
No! Don't get him! - - Um, why not?
Abram Shapiro
Why not?
First Secretary
Why not! Because, a matter of such importance must
be verified by the whole Politburo.
Abram Shapiro
Well, let's get them here.
First Secretary
Indeed, at once.
[Abram gets his hat and coat.]
[Exit First Secretary and Abram Shapiro.]
Moshe
Oy! Am I in trouble now! Where can I find an
uncircumcised baby boy?
sf/x: knock on door.
Moshe
Come in if you're an uncircumcised baby boy.
[Enter Chaim Kudrayavi]
Chaim
Mazel tov!
Moshe
Oh, A gute tag, Chaim.
Chaim
Moshe, is everything all right? You don't look so
good.
Moshe
Oh, everything's fine, but I think I'm getting
sea-sick.
Chaim
[looks at Moshe quizzically]
Does it have anything to do with why our sons were leaving your house in such a
hurry. I thought maybe there was some trouble?
Moshe
Trouble? No, not yet. Just the same old tsuris.
Chaim
Oh, that's good. I'm baby sitting my little grandson
for a few hours but if there were some Party emergency I could keep him longer.
Moshe
No, there's no Party emergency you won't have to
baby sit . . . [Moshe gets an idea.] Baby? [looks squarely at Chaim] Your
grandson?
Chaim
Yes, my grandson.
Moshe
Your uncircumcised grandson?
Chaim
Circumcised? No, his bris isn't until Wednesday.
Moshe
Chaim Kudrayavi, my old friend. How long have we
known each other?
Chaim
[suspiciously]
About three years.
Moshe
A long three years.
Chaim
[more suspiciously]
Moshe, what do you want from me?
Moshe
Me! Want something from you. I would never presume
to ask a man like yourself.
Chaim
Oh, well, good. What do you mean, "a man like
myself?" Are you insinuating that I'm not generous.
Moshe
Why no! Nothing of the sort! You are one of the most
generous men I know.
Chaim
I'm glad you have a good opinion of me. I was
beginning to wonder.
Moshe
Why, if I ever did need something I'm sure you would
give it to me without the slightest hesitation.
Chaim
Absolutely. Without question.
Moshe
Good, I need to borrow your grandson for a couple of
hours.
Chaim
No problem, I can bring him over . . . WHAT!
You want to borrow my grandson!
Moshe
Only for a couple of hours.
Chaim
You want to borrow my grandson?!
Moshe
I'll take good care of him.
Chaim
You want to borrow the son of the First Secretary.
Moshe
I said I'd take good care of him.
Chaim
Absolutely not!
Moshe
But you just said you'd give me anything I needed. I
don't want you should give me your grandson, just lend.
Chaim
I don't care what I said. I won't do it.
Moshe
You won't.
Chaim
No! Not under any circumstances.
Moshe
That's your final word.
Chaim
I have spoken! The father of the First Secretary of
the Politburo has spoken.
Moshe
Has the father of the First Secretary of the
Politburo sent the proud father an invitation to Wednesday's ceremonies?
Chaim
Of course not. He'd kill me if he knew it was even
thought of.
Moshe
A boy's father should be at the bris.
Chaim
You know that's impossible. Anyway, your son wasn't
there yesterday.
Moshe
That's over with. But Wednesday is not. Now someone,
we needn't mention names, might send the First Secretary a formal invitation to
a most joyous event.
Chaim
You wouldn't. [Moshe is silent.] You
couldn't. Gott in Himmel! No.
Moshe
[folds his arms]
It would be a shame if your own grandson had no
covenant with God.
Chaim
You would. All right, he can stay here, but my son
must never know.
Moshe
No problem! How would he find out?
Chaim
It'll take a few minutes to get the baby.
Moshe
Hurry.
[Chaim starts for the front door.]
Moshe
No, use the back door. It's safer. And come back the
same way.
[Exit Chaim.]
[sf/x; front door opening.]
[Enter First Secretary, Abram, Ivan and several other members of the
Politburo.]
Moshe
[aside]
Oy vey! The whole meshuggeneh Politburo. I better say something to slow them
down. I know, they just got a commendation from the Central Committee. I'll get
them talking about that.
Abram Shapiro
Now, we'll settle this once and for all!
Moshe
Mazel tov, Mr. First Secretary.
First Secretary
Thank Y . . . [He glares at Moshe.]
Moshe
[sheepishly]
Tovarich?
First Secretary
Indeed we shall settle this. . . [His glare
shifts to Abram]. . . once and for all.
[He nods to the other members of the Politburo, who all nod their approval.]
[Enter Rachel carrying a baby wrapped in a blanket.]
Abram Shapiro
Mother,
bring my son here!
[She moves toward the group. Moshe with his back to the group points at the
baby and then off stage. Rachel shakes her head. Moshe wrings his hands and
looks up. As she nears the group Abram speaks.]
Abram Shapiro
Unwrap the baby.
Rachel
[whispering]
Sh-h-h-! He's asleep.
First Secretary
Comrade Rachel, [Rachel shushes him. He
whispers.] Comrade Rachel, we are all here to see . . .
Rachel
[Still whispering]
I don't care what you're here to see. You can't wake the baby. He hasn't been
fed since this morning. He's probably weak and now you want to deprive him of
his rest? You should be ashamed.
[They all look sheepish.]
First Secretary
Children are the future of the motherland. We shall
wait.
Ivan Stephanovich
But,
Comrade First Secretary, we have to have the regular meeting this morning.
First Secretary
You're right, Comrade Ivan Stephanovich. Comrade
Rachel, would you mind if we held a session of the Politburo in your house?
Moshe
Mind?! We would be honored. Rachel, bring the gentlemen
some refreshments. Set the table. I'm not sure we have enough vodka.
First Secretary
[disapprovingly]
Vodka? At a Politburo session!?
Moshe
Oh, I'm sorry. I've never been to a Politburo
session. Some cake maybe. There's some strudel left. Maybe some nice mat. . .
Abram Shapiro
[interrupting]
Ahem, I demand that all non-Party personnel leave the room at once.
First Secretary
Yes, we must do this by the rules.
[Moshe and Rachel immediately turn to go.]
First Secretary
Wait, where are you taking the baby?
Moshe
He's not a Party Member, is he?
[Exit Moshe and Rachel with the baby. The First Secretary shrugs his
shoulders. Every one sits at the table.]
First Secretary
Oh, well. I will now call this session of the
Politburo to order. First on the agenda is the demand of the Central Committee
to increase production. All in favor of increasing production raise their hand.
[Everyone raises their hand.]
First Secretary
The proposition passes. Production is hereby
increased.
[Moshe re-enters with a tray of food. He sets it on the table and exits. The
members begin munching on strudel and cake. They are all looking intently at
papers they take out of briefcases.]
First Secretary