LADY CAT’S CAT~A~STROPHE

A Children’s Play in Two Acts

SAMUIL Y. MARSHAK

[BASED ON HIS CLASSIC KOSHKIN DOM, MOSCOW, 1945]
Russian Translator:
Benjamin Sher
[March 8, 1993]
Translation Copyright © 1993 by Benjamin Sher

New Orleans, LA

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THE PLAYERS

The Narrator
Guinevere the Lady Cat
Vassily the Servant Cat
A He-Goat
A She-Goat
A Rooster
A Hen
Cockerels
Mrs. Piggie
Piglets
Crows
Beavers
An Old Beaver
First Kitten
Second Kitten

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WHERE
A Palace in Russia

WHEN

Fairy Tale Time

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ACT ONE

Chorus
Bim-bom! Tili-tili-bom!
Bim-bom! Tili-tili-bom!
Narrator
In the yard stands a tall house
With shutters in repose
With painted windows
And a dazzling rose.
A carpet runs down stairs of old,
Richly patterned in fruit of gold.
Along this promenade
Descends Guinevere,
A cat of high grade,
A lady without peer,
Cold to others’ needs–
A rumor is now afoot
That on her gentle foot
Our noble lady proceeds
To don her silken boot.
Chorus
Bim-bom! Tili-tili-bom!
Lady Cat is all aplomb.
Narrator
From her ear hangs a jewel
That glitters– as it behooves.
A necklace worthy of a duel
Swings whenever she moves.
Her gown, dazzling, oh so rich,
Cost a thousand rubles per stitch.
Her bow, shimmering with gold,
Cost a hundred, so I’m told.
Chorus
Bim-bom! Tili-tili-bom!
Sound the tom-tom! Bim-bom!
Narrator
When out for a long stroll,
Guinevere wore a chain:
Everyone sighed: What a doll!
So elegant, so very urbane!
Children, you’ll surely admire
Her carriage, her horses, too,
Her coachman, his fabled attire:
What a grand, inspiring view!
Chorus
Tili-bom! Tili-tili-bom!
A princess at a royal prom!

Lady Guinevere
Miaw, miaw, here I am!
Lady Cat, a grande dame!
No ordinary pussycat–
An aristocrat
A sophisticat.
I hail from beyond the seas,
A true Siamese,
Living in ease.

Guinevere is my formal name,
A creature most fastidious.
I do not live like wild game.
Oh no,… how very hideous!
I cover my head with satin sheets
And dream of rich and dainty sweets
Snoring away all night
Under the soft moonlight!
Miaw, miaw, miaw!
Chorus
Tili-bom! Bim-bom! Tili-til!
Listen closely and be still!
Narrator
Lady Guinevere’s mansion
Has many a room
With costly perfume,
Or so I presume,
With long, carved shutters
And diamond-shaped gutters.
All around a spacious yard,
Luxury writ large,
Nearby a pensive bodyguard
Watches on a barge.
Chorus
Tili-bom! Tili-bili-bom!
On her head a pom-pom!
(Exit Chorus)

Narrator
Here’s Vassily, a bearded Cat,
Who endures and perseveres.
He knows his place on the doormat–
His mistress he always reveres.
He rolls his eyes by the iron gate
As he inspects each candidate:
One guest wants a good alliance,
Another demands full compliance.

Now, without further ado,
Guinevere, so well-to-do,
Saw from her gilded window
Two kittens under a rainbow.

They came from across the river
To plead with Auntie to deliver
From death and its sad privations
Her nephews and poor relations.
Two Kittens
Dear Auntie, dear Guinevere,
You’re very rich and very fat.
You feast on costly caviar
While we kittens from afar,
Poor from birth,
Of narrow girth,
Are dying under an unlucky star.
Dear Auntie, throw us scraps,
We’re hungry. Fill our caps.
Vassily
Who’s knocking at the gate–
A scoundrel or a reprobate?!
Kittens
Kind Sir, refrain from your abuse,
We’re family, though of little use!
May I introduce? …
Vassily
I’ll say, indeed! “Introduce!”
Why, you’re clearly of no use!
Go peddle your papoose
To someone less obtuse.
Who needs you nephews?
All day you lounge and eat
And chew on every dainty treat.
What pride! What self-conceit!
Kitten 1
Orphans we are on every side.
We have no roof, no place to hide.
Our peasant hut is run by mice,
Heavy and chilling as packs of ice.
Kitten 2
They pommel us at will,
Our young’uns they kill.
Dear sir, do not dismiss
Orphans who reminisce
About their days of bliss.
Vassily
Let me give you some sound advice:
Vamoose! Go chase after mice!
Next time I catch you beggars here
I’ll hang each of you by his ear!
Kittens
Dear Auntie, dear Guinevere,
You’re very rich and very fat.
You feast on costly caviar
While we kittens from afar,
Poor from birth,
Of narrow girth,
Are dying under an unlucky star.
Dear Auntie, throw us scraps,
We’re hungry. Fill our caps.
Lady Guinevere
Who was that at the gate?
Vassily, go investigate!
Vassily
It’s no one, just another trap–
No need to disturb your precious nap!
I’ll teach those oafs to beg and steal!
I’ll draw them out like snakes or eel.
Lady Guinevere
How disgraceful of those scamps
To rob us of our higher worth,
Let them beg like regular tramps,
Let them choke on country mirth.
I too was once a cute kitten,
But gentle, not hard-bitten,
Wearing my winter mitten.
I am no boor or cheap doll,
Not like them — not at all!
I never spill soup on my fur
I never whine or crudely purr.
Don’t forget, my loyal vassal,
I can’t abide noise or hassle.
Go send my nephews packing!
You have my total backing.
(We hear the voices of guests)
Lady Guinevere
Enchantée, indeed, good sir,
Très gentille, as it were.
Come in, Mr. and Mrs. Goat,
Kindly take off your coat.
Narrator
Mr. Goat was easy to suspect,
Being known as quite a flirt,
His wife tried on every skirt–
But he showed her no respect.
A valiant rooster was here, too.
He belted his “cockle-doodle-do!”
And won the plaudits of all the men.
Right behind came a brooding hen.
A noisy lady brought up the rear,
A temperamental piggie in a shawl,
On the dancing floor she had no peer,
Showing off her legs at every ball.
Lady Guinevere
Where have you been so long?
Dear Goat, have I done you wrong?
He-Goat
My kind regards, good Lady Cat!
In the driving rain I lost my hat.
Our apologies for the long delay:
We trudged through puddles on the way.
She-Goat
Yes, Madame, we trudged through snow,
Puddles, muddles, all kinds of woe.
Lady Guinevere
Greetings, most gracious rooster!
Rooster
Many greetings to you, too,
Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!
Lady Guinevere
Welcome, Mrs. Hen, to our feast,
You are as dear to me as any beast.
You’re neither the last nor the least.
So what’s the latest from the East?
Hen
I’d dearly love to make my way
To your metropolitan address,
But we haven’t time for play.
Our lot is anguish and distress.
Lady Guinevere
Mrs. Piggie– arrived at last!
So delighted. Do have a blast!
Mrs. Piggie
My thanks to you, Lady Cat,
We’re prepared for a nice chat.
I’m here on a friendly visit–
While Mr. Pig roots in the den
And sonny oinks in every garden–
Perhaps yours– Beg your pardon!
She-Goat
Mister Goat and I adore you,
The rich house, the splendid view–
So much grander than the zoo.
Lady Guinevere
Welcome all, gracious guests,
Feel at home. Take off your vests!
Inspect the large oaken chest,
The table, dresser and the rest.
Please examine my dining-room,
Its porcelain and golden broom.
This is a chair,– don’t you think? –
That’s a table! Why do you blink?
Mrs. Piggie
This is a table — how very true!
Should I eat it or first chew?
He-Goat
This is a chair, you will agree,
As tough as concrete or debris.
Lady Guinevere
No, dear, you’re quite mistaken.
My faith in you is wholly shaken.
I would very much deplore
Standing on the marble floor.
Rather would I sit and dine
Leaning on a chair divine.
She-Goat
To tell the truth, my husband and I
Aren’t accustomed to such hue and cry.
Your lofty standards we much applaud,
But we would rather travel abroad,
To scavenge and dig
For carrot and twig
In hilltop rocks,
In gardens and socks.
Mrs. Piggie
You mean a pig on a chair is better?
Progress, yes, but I’m no go-getter.
Rooster
No wonder your kind enjoy ill fame,
No wonder you’re held in dire shame!
(to Lady Cat)
Your Grace, please do explain:
What’s that door with a chain?
Lady Guinevere
The right door, to all intents,
Opens my wardrobe’s contents–
Sequined robes, rich ornaments.
On the left observe my bedroom plan:
A sumptuous bed, a stove, a fan
Entice me across the marble span.
Rooster
(whispers to Hen)
Look, honey, a bed of soft feathers!
Where on earth did she get…?
Hen
(whispers)
— Sh… Don’t frown!
Lady Cat commands the town–
No one dares to turn her down.
Whenever it suits her royal face,
She repairs to our humble coop
And strips chicks of their grace.
Someday… ! Go on, try the soup!
He-Goat
(pointing)
What’s that, gracious Madam?
It looks as innocent as Adam.
Lady Guinevere
It’s Vassily’s latest innovation,
For which I hope a standing ovation.
A mousetrap made of stainless steel–
Every mouse will cringe and kneel
And fall a victim to my snare,
Trembling in the thick, close air.
Just watch the lid open and snap,
Watch the mouse fall into my lap.
Still, before every rodent feast,
I wash my hands and shine my shoes.
Before I savor any game or beast,
I trim my nail and lick my bruise.
Hen
My Lady, you are so exquisite,
Is it your papa’s doing? Is it?

Lady Guinevere
Indeed! My papa came from Siam,
Where mice are served on a plate
And taste as sweet as pure lamb,
Thanks to my mother and her mate.
Turn on the light, Vassily, dear,
Behold my father’s face — severe,
Exalted, imperial, quite austere.
Hen
How elegant, how dainty, how refined!
Rooster
His face is distinguished, richly lined.
Lady Guinevere
(standing next to portrait)
His spitting image, don’t you find?
Hen
Indeed! The same arching back!
Rooster
What a face– not even a crack!
Lady Guinevere
Yes, my ladies, mirror and rugs,
Bought from Venetian thugs.
And over there– A cute piano!
Didn’t you know– I’m a soprano.
He-Goat
(to She-Goat)
Mirrors, mirrors everywhere!
All I see is goats and hair!
She-Goat
She-goats, I’ll bet, ha, hon?!
Or maybe you expected a swan?
So, you four-legged womanizer,
You think you are the wiser!
He-Goat
Don’t blame me! Look in the mirror!
You always blame me for every error.
I was just admiring the fairer sex–
Modern life is fiendishly complex!
Mrs. Piggie
You’re much deceived, Mr. Goat!
I see only piggies. So why gloat?
Hen
Somebody is pulling your leg, Ma’am
I see only the rooster and his dam.
He-Goat
It’s time we ended this silly war,
Go on, dear Lady, don’t be sore,
Sing to us from your honored place.
Give us a tune we can showcase!
Hen
(clears throat)
If it please you, Lady Cat,
Let the rooster stand by your side.
Then watch this solid acrobat–
So modest, so very dignified–
Soar high on a melody and back
While your fingers softly attack
Piano keys, white and black.
(to Rooster)
Dear, don’t just stand and stare,
Give us a sample of your pitch,
Of your fine, creative itch.
Why not sing a mountain air?
Rooster
Don’t mind my wife, your Grace,
She doesn’t know her true place.
She’s quite blind to all my faults,
My whims and fancy somersaults.
Lady Cat, with your permission,
May I reveal my sacred mission?
I wake up all, man and brute
With “Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!”
He-Goat
I’ll second the Hen’s fine motion
With fervent, ardent emotion.
Sing, Rooster, with devotion
Of your adventures of yore–
Oops– I’m becoming a bore!
Lady Guinevere
(Sits down at the piano, plays and sings)
Miaow, miaow, miaow, the night is here,
The stars, the moon, the atmosphere
All shine above like a chandelier.
Rooster
Now, for my grand debut!
Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!
(clears his throat)
The sun is awake from his nightly sleep
To journey over hill and valley deep
Where will it set, oh when and where?
Where will it set, my lady fair?
Now without any further ado:
Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!
She-Goat
(to He-Goat)
Hey, you dolt, what are you doing?
These geraniums are not for chewing!
If I catch you at this crime again,
I’ll strike you with my walking cane.
He-Goat
(whispers to She-Goat)
I can’t resist. It’s so delicious!
Like nibbling on a cabbage leaf.
Please, darling, don’t be vicious!
In the corner stands a sheaf.
Go ahead and be a thief!
Rooster
(sings)
Oh, where is the glorious sun?
Where have you gone, my sun?
He-Goat
(chewing the last of the geraniums)
Splendid, Mr. Rooster. Bravo!
What a charming tenor, indeed!
(offering the rooster a geranium leaf)
Help yourself to this weed–
Go ahead, sing the lead!
Lady Guinevere
No, ladies and gents, please rise,
I’ll play– you dance clockwise.
Now move to the cotillion’s beat!
Now quickly move your agile feet!
Each take your partner’s hand,
Bow your head– isn’t that grand?
He-Goat
No, your Grace, I’d advise instead
A gallop– now that’s well-bred!
She-Goat
A romp on the grass– that’s a dance
Putting us all into quite a trance!
Rooster
Wait a minute! What ecstasy and thrill
To dance to a rooster’s noisy trill!
Mrs. Piggie
Hold your horses! What’s so wrong
With “Three Little Pigs” and a song!
Hen
I’ll say! There is nothing so refined
As a Hen dancing off her big behind.
Lady Guinevere
Gentlemen, I mean no offense.
If only I could satisfy at once
All requests– they make such sense!
But no, it’s up to Providence.
Go on, my friends! Dance till dawn,
Like a hen or a long-necked swan.
I forbid only one thing: a yawn–
Don’t bore us or you’ll be gone!
(Everybody dances. Suddenly, the music comes to a screeching halt. We hear the voices of kittens)

Kittens
Auntie dear, give us cheer!
Please look upon our faces!
Auntie dear, have no fear,
We’ll skip the pillow-cases.
A hard bed will do or a bench,
A little corner in your room,
And our deep thirst we’ll quench
With falling rain and moist gloom.
Auntie, save us from our doom!
Lady Guinevere
Lower the curtains, Vassily dear,
It’ll soon be dark, without cheer.
Lower the curtains, do you hear?
Such warm drapes — pure cashmere!
Next, I want to see the candles glow–
I want to see them shine like snow.
Then light the stove and let it blow!

Vassily
Your word is my command, your Grace.
The stove is on, the candles in place.
Lady Guinevere
Thank you, Vassily, kind servant,
Your loyalty is deep and fervent.
Please, gents, sit you down,
Gather round by the burning fire!
There is lots of room. Don’t frown.
Relax by the hearth, by the pyre.
Don’t you just love the rising snow,
The driving rain, the hail and sleet,
That pound against our window?
Isn’t it lovely, isn’t it neat
How snowballs fall to the street?
Nothing, I’m sure, is ever so sweet.
Surrounded by luxury at home,
Let’s pass the time telling tales.
First, Goat, let’s hear your poem,
Then the Rooster with his rhyme,
Piggie, Mrs. Goat, the Hen,
Then I’ll end with a closing amen.
(to Mr. Goat)
Go on, Mr. Goat. Do let us hear.
We’re all anxious. It’s your premiere.
He-Goat
(clearing his throat)
Hm. Hm. There once lived a goat…
Rooster
Who pecked all day at grains of oat.
He-Goat
Who found bliss in leaves of cabbage
Mrs. Piggie
And rooted all day in garbage
Hen
And laid an egg of huge proportion
Lady Guinevere
And trapped a mouse with cunning motion.
He-Goat
The goat? A she-goat? Are you sure?
Rooster
Oh, no, you ugly boor,
The rooster, I adjure.
He-Goat
You are deceived,
And I’m peeved.
Mrs. Piggie
You’re so wrong,
So headstrong!
Hen
It’s me the author wants and craves!
Abandon hope, you arrant knaves,
You beasts have little or no chance.
I’ll be the star of her romance.
Lady Guinevere
No, dear! I’ll be the judge of that!
If you must know– the star is a cat!
Goat
Enough, good friends, enough!
Let’s go. It’s getting dark.
We have been much too rough
On Lady Cat, our matriarch.
Hen
What rich furnishings on the wall!
Rooster
A splendid time was had by all!
Hen
Never has a nest been so anointed.

Rooster
Or a coop so marvelously jointed.
He-Goat
The geraniums never tasted better wetter.
She-Goat
(sarcastically to husband)
So, you still don’t know any better!
Mrs. Piggie
Au revoir, your Grace, adieu–
How hospitable, how exquisite!
This Sunday I’m planning stew.
Drop by for a royal visit!
Hen
I, too, would like to insist
That you visit us at our coop
To learn of the beauty of grist,
To be ravished by chicken soup.
She-Goat
Don’t forget us, Lady, please,
Tuesday next is our day of ease:
You’ll love our raspberry pie
And dine under the night sky.
Lady Guinevere
And now my word as we adjourn:
I’ll visit each of you in turn.
So count me in. I’ll come early.
But what if fate turns surly,
What if the heavens collapse?
Will you be the one playing taps
Or will you care for me, perhaps?
Rooster
From this day forth, your Grace,
I’m your loyal liege and vassal.
Mrs. Piggie
Lady, we shall worship your face.
Sleep tight in your warm castle.
Lady Guinevere
Farewell, dear neighbors all.
Thanks for partaking of my plate.
Vassily and I will open the gate
In strict and formal protocol.
Voices
(first from the staircase, then from the yard)
“Careful, honey, as you go down!”
“No need to hurry. I see the town!”
“Keep to the right, not to the left!”
“Watch out for that hidden cleft!”
“Beware the ditch by the gate!”
“Blame yourself, not fate!”
“What a splendid time we had.”
“Thanks for the visit, young lad!”
“Thanks for the wholesome cheer.”
“To you, Lady Guinevere!”
Narrator
Now follow our Lady with your eyes
And Vassily, her servant most wise.
While they’re moving the tall chairs
And descending the painted stairs,
The flames leap up from the stove
And rise up the chimney alcove:
A scene of horror and desolation,
Of ruin, ashes and damnation,
A high and mighty conflagration.
Nothing remains of walls and beams,
Of satin sheets and logs of pine,
Of marble floors or pleasant dreams.
Nothing stands but a burning shrine.
Alas, poor Lady Guinevere,
Never shall we honor or revere
Your gorgeous form or domicile,
Or your neat, Parisian hairstyle.
Covered in ashes and billowing smoke,
Her heart weighed down with despair,
Lady Cat was silent, then spoke:
“My life is not worth a prayer!”

ACT TWO

Narrator
With a crackle, thunder and snap
The fire sweeps over and above.
With a crackle, thunder and rap,
It covers the house like a glove.
In towers the rooks are watching,
Frightened, alarmed, but unbowed:
Seeing the flames rising, catching,
The crows blow their trumpets loud.
Tili-tili-bom! Tili-tili-bom!
Save our Lady’s splendid home!
The hen rushes over with a pail,
The rooster wags his bossy tail.
Hot on the trail, he pushes a mop,
Dragging it like a theater prop.
Mrs. Piggie hurries past,
Her sieve in hand, all aghast.
At last comes good Mr. Goat,
With a torch and a new note:
Tili-tili-bom! Tili-tili-bom!
Crows
Send in the fire brigade!
Make haste, rush to her aid.
Harness ten pairs of horse,
Search out every source!
Get going, don’t delay!
This is no time for ballet.
Piggie– forget your apparel!
Here is water and a barrel.
Look: our Lady’s house is burning!
There’s much you could be learning!
Mrs. Piggie
Here is water in a sieve–
May Guinevere long live!
Crows
In a sieve?! Where is the water?
How will this stop the slaughter?
These beasts, I think, make no sense–
Maybe the beavers aren’t so dense.
(addressing the beavers)
Come, lift your axes to the sky!
Put an end to this endless cry.
The fire will send us to our doom,
Sweeping us with its broad broom.
Old Beaver
We beavers toil and work hard:
From morn to night we rush about
Building dams in our backyard,
River palaces– we go all out!
Beavers
We’ll throw down all the fences,
Quench the fires, raise defenses.
Lady Guinevere
Hold everything, kind beaver,
The old fence is for the birds.
Save my house from the raging fever,
Save my furniture, heed my words!
Grab the sofa, my comfy chair,
My dazzling mirror, my silverware:
Priceless all, beyond compare.
Beavers
Save yourself, Lady Cat,
Time to flee, to be sincere,
To forget rug and doormat.
Climb to the attic, dear,
Jump down, Guinevere!
Lady Guinevere
Woe is me! My Persian rugs!
Woe is me! My silver mugs!
Beaver
The roof is crumbling!
The walls are falling,
The carpets tumbling!
Beaver 1
Hurry, Lady, or you’ll perish
If you look for things to cherish.
Mrs. Piggie
What’s happening? I can’t hear!
Beaver 1
Run for your life! Run, dear!
Hen
Where to? For goodness’ sake?
(Lady Cat’s mansion collapses in flames)
Rooster
You’d swear the earth did quake!
He-Goat
Swallowed up like a wedding cake!
Lady Guinevere
Woe is me! We shall surely perish.
Gone is the house I once did cherish!
Vassily
Woe is us! We’ll surely perish!
How and what shall I now cherish?
Narrator
By the rubble she stood and wept.
The wind blew her hair and net.
Her house is gone– with its yard.
No more pillows to caress or guard.
Lady Guinevere
Oh, Vassily, my pussycat,
Perhaps the rooster and his wife
Will condescend to sit and chat
With victims of fortune in mid-life?
Though their beds are made of straw,
We paupers must live by nature’s law:
We must bear hardships untold,
Harsh, severe and — oh! — so cold.
Vassily
How I pity you, Guinevere,
Once you used to scorn and sneer,
But now you want to crawl and pander
To the coop’s vain and noisy commander.
Narrator
There goes Vassily, hobbling along!
Guinevere’s face is sadly long!
With Lady Cat under his arm,
The servant advances on the farm.
He beams, seeing the window light:
It’s the home of the plucky knight,
His noble brood and worthy sons.
Plead for chivalry and at once!
Lady Guinevere
My dear kind lady, Brooding Hen,
At last, a sympathetic neighbor–
We have wandered from fen to fen,
Searching for a home. I won’t belabor
The afflictions we’ve had to endure.
Open up, dear, I’ll be demure,
We won’t disturb your grandeur.
Hen
Gladly would I give you shelter
In this hour of helter-skelter.
But my husband shakes with anger:
When alien guests assault the door,
He turns obstinate in the extreme,
What a blow to his self-esteem!
Do you see the spurs on his feet?
That’s why I fear his mighty conceit.
Rooster
Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!
A rooster’s work is never done!
A rooster’s life is no great fun!
I go to bed earlier than most,
But rise at midnight like a ghost
To bellow forth with much ado:
“Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!”
No sooner do I close my eyes
Than early dawn demands I rise
To sing again, to repeat anew:
“Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!”
At much cost to my peace of mind,
I put up with this daily grind.
Hen
Mr. Rooster is in quite a rage,
So surprising for his young age.
I can hardly chatter if at all
On porch or under my parasol.
His voice booms through the air–
I’m going deaf, I do declare.
Lady Guinevere
Have you forgotten your invitation,
Your loud ovation and proclamation?
Have you forgotten my former success,
My noble bearing, my Parisian dress?
Hen
Yes, my Lady, I quite recall
Your gold and silver marble floor
Smooth as a pedestrian mall.
Please excuse– I’ve got a chore:
My chicks are noisy brawlers,
Spineless, lazy dawdlers.
Any minute they’ll be back,
Their fists poised for attack.
(Voices of cockerels are heard)
Cockerels
Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!
I’ll beat you till you’re blue!
Cockle-doodle-doodle-do!
Crack his skull, his neck, too!
Give him that old one-two!
Hen
(to Lady Guinevere, then Vassily)
Forgive their noise– they’re so young,
But if I were you, I’d hold my tongue.
Make haste– you, Vassily, too,
Unless you prefer a hullabaloo!
Lady, take your servant and go!
But do walk softly, on tip-toe!
Cockerels
Hey, grab that feline snob!
Shove barley down her throat!
We’ll teach her to hobnob,
To mock our grains of oat.
Let’s rip off her long tail,
This cat is fat as a whale!
Lady Guinevere
Hurry, Vassily, we must retreat
Into the cold night street.
We haven’t had a thing to eat!
Hen
May I suggest our neighbor, the goat?
Perhaps he’ll clean your mangy coat.
Vassily
How wretched are the homeless!
We beggars roam like a wild coyote
Through lands so vast and nameless.
We were far too proud and haughty.
Narrator
With Lady Cat under his arm,
Vassily climbs a dark hill.
Behold a house with a large farm
Looming into view. What a thrill
To see Mr. Goat and wife, I say,
Playing cards on his birthday.
Never was poker more grandly played,
Never were cards so intently weighed!
He-Goat
That’s what you think, kind mate–
But my aces beat your straight!
She-Goat
Says who? Now listen and hush!
Can’t you see a straight flush?
He-Goat
I’m ruined– and holding four aces!
She-Goat
(yawning)
I’ve got to admit, willy-nilly,
I’m bored stiff– this game is silly.
It’s time for bed. It’s so chilly.
He-Goat
The game isn’t over– I’ll say when.
One more and then I’ll say amen.
Stop pacing, darling, to-and-fro.
Jokers are wild. Deal, heigh-ho!
She-Goat
Jokers wild! That’s what you think.
I’ll dump those clowns in my sink!
He-Goat
Shut up or I’ll kick your behind.
That’s exactly what I have in mind.
She-Goat
Your beard may be long and impressive
But your bragging is quite excessive.
Don’t be a fool! Don’t be aggressive!
Your horn is still brittle and fresh,
While mine can cut your tender flesh.
Take your Joker and leave the room
Before I thrash you with my broom.
Lady Guinevere
(knocks at wicket-gate)
Your Grace, please, let us in!
It’s Vassily, my servant, and I.
We won’t get under your skin.
We’re so hungry, so very thin.
We can’t wait, it’s do-or-die,
We’re desperate– I won’t deny.
She-Goat
‘Evening, Lady! How delightful
To see you standing in the snow.

Lady Guinevere
It’s bitter cold. How ’bout a mouthful
Of oats or barley or even warm snow.
Your floor is soft– so be thankful!
Let us sleep on it! We’ll be careful!
She-Goat
Sure, if you can still draw breath!
Lady Guinevere
Please save us from a certain death!
She-Goat
Well, perhaps. Go ask Mr. Goat.
Although his horn is of little note,
He is still the captain of this boat.
Lady Guinevere
What do you mean, kind neighbor?
She-Goat
(whispers to He-Goat)
Tell her we don’t need cheap labor.
He-Goat
(to Lady Guinevere)
Mrs. Goat would like to confess
That her accommodations, yes,
Have fallen on hard times and stress.
Why not seek a nobler address?
I won’t argue with my precious wife.
Her horns are longer– sharp as a knife.
She-Goat
What a joker he is, what a clown!
Still, to tell you the full truth,
You would find it most uncouth
To spend the night in a cold booth.
There’s much more to find in town,
The latest, stylish French gown.
Madam, I think you’d much prefer
To knock on Mrs. Piggie’s gate?
Go and seek your appointed fate!
Next time I won’t be so demure!
Lady Guinevere
(grieving)
Vassily, my dear, we must move on.
I’m an exile, a nomad, a pawn.
Alas, my reputation is gone,
We’re fated to wander till dawn.
Vassily
Look, there!– Piggie’s fence!
The piglets’ well-wrought hut.
Maybe the pigs have more sense
Maybe they’ll fill our empty gut.
I see ten piggies not far off
Sitting on ten small branches.
They look so plump and well-off.
You’d think they lived on ranches.
Piglets
(Waving their spoons as they sing)
A pig I am, and so are you.
We are all pigs. How very true!
A pig, indeed– not kangaroo.
We move together, play as a group
And dip our spoons in gourmet soup.
Nothing matches our splendid scrub
Or the swill in our washing tub.
So eat your swill,
Oh, what a thrill!
Let’s feast and play all day,
Our food is waiting on the tray.
Mrs. Piggie
To your places, dear piggies!
Wipe your faces and your sneezies!
Remember the rules of this house:
Never dip your spoons or carouse
Till an adult has or his spouse.
Piglets
Oink-oink,
Will do!
Will chew!
Oink-oink!
The stew!
Vassily
What merriment and song,
What a feast! What a throng!
Lady Guinevere
At last, a refuge from the wind,
A kindly neighbor so thick-skinned!
(Knocks on window)
Mrs. Piggie, do you recall
The dazzling mirrors in my hall?
Mrs. Piggie
(sarcastically)
Is that you, mighty Guinevere?
My, you look so pale and gaunt.
And you, Vassily, her true cavalier!
Welcome if death is what you want.
And, oh, we don’t need a chandelier,
A princess or a greedy profiteer.
Vassily
Mrs. Piggie, open the door,
We’re starving. We truly abhor
Our former silver marble floor.
Lady Guinevere
Lady Piggie, we implore you,
Let us in, the floor will do.
Though we stand here worn-out,
Have a heart, don’t show us out.
Remember our many nights of cheer,
Don’t throw us out on our ear!
Your Worship, I’ll wash your dishes,
Feed your pigs swill and fishes,
Sing lullabyes– state your wishes!
Mrs. Piggie
(contemptuously)
Please don’t fret on my behalf.
I’ll rock the cradle as I please.
We don’t need a stranger’s staff
Or your advice on life and ease.
We never share our grain or chaff
With tyrant or riff-raff.
Now, wench, go, leave our shed,
You, too, Vassily, go in peace.
You’re too spoiled and ill-bred
To submit to a pig’s expertise
Or wallow in thick elbow grease.
Why bother sweating like a hog
Or walking ’round in a cloud or fog.
Do you see there?– a plain house!
Go pounce on a hapless mouse!
Lady Guinevere
Vassily, in the deep forest gloom
I see our life’s appointed doom.
We’ve circled the world fully twice,
And have reaped as reward only lice.
No one cares or gives us bread.
Another hour and we’ll be dead.
Vassily
Look, princess, a humble hut!
There! There! across the street.
I’ve this feeling in my gut.
Oh, what horror, what defeat.
This shack is dark, with no heat,
Sunk in the cold and barren ground–
How unlike a merry-go-round.
If I knew who lived in that hole,
I’d surely beg for a little bowl,
For one night’s rest for my soul.
Lady Cat, I’ll go and knock
To speak of your pain and shock.
Narrator
And Vassily hobbles down the hill,
With Lady Cat shuffling along.
They press on with little skill,
Seeking comfort in an old song.
At last, they reach a humble hut,
Where two kittens, eyes half-shut,
Watched under the chimney soot
As snow inched up another foot.
The orphans, hearing a loud knock,
Rushed to the door to undo the lock.
Voice of Kitten 1
Who is that knocking on our door,
A burglar, guest or wild boar?
Vassily
It’s us, Guinevere and I,
We’ve come crawling on our knees.
We implore you. Don’t be shy!
We’ve abandoned our life of ease.
Forgive us lest we both freeze.
Kittens
So, it’s Vassily the Servant Cat
And Guinevere, the aristocrat!
By the gate we stood and waited,
Praying for help– how outdated!
The gate remained forever shut.
Now we languish in a wretched hut.

Vassily
We are sorry. Truly we are,
We’ve come from so very far.
I was not my brother’s keeper.
Now we fear the Grim Reaper.
Lady Guinevere
Forget, my dear, please forgive–
If ever I’ve done you any wrong.
I’ve suffered. I’m no longer young.
I want to learn to love, to give–
Oh, forget, my dear, and forgive!
Vassily
Our palace has gone up in smoke,
Let us in or we’ll soon croak.
Open up, dear orphans, please,
Give us food: a piece of cheese!
Kitten 1
I’ll gladly forgive and forget,
It’s now long after sunset.
Your insults, jibes and sneers.
And simple decency and tears
Move us to forgive your debt.
Lady Guinevere
Your philosophy is well put–
Let’s proceed on the right foot.
Vassily
We’ll never make it in the falling snow–
Lady Guinevere
We can hardly walk or even tip-toe.
Kitten 2
What do you think, dear brother,
Should we open them our door?
They say: “Love one another!”
What if they sleep on the floor?
Vassily
‘Tell the truth, I’d like a cot–
My eyes are red and bloodshot.
I’m so tired of chasing my tail,
I want to curl up like a snail.
Kitten 1
Come in, Auntie! This rain and snow
Is not for man or cat or cripple.
Whoever has tasted grief and woe
Will gladly help twice or triple.
Whoever endures a life of need
Will give up avarice and greed
And never shirk from a good deed.
Kitten 2
Our dwelling is so very humble,
Without oven or even a roof.
We never complain here or grumble
Or refuse the needy or stay aloof,
Though our house is not fireproof.
Vassily
Don’t worry, I’ll attend to that.
It will be my task and crusade.
Yes, mine. You know, Lady Cat,
I was once a carpenter by trade,
Trained for the furnace and combat.
To conclude this lengthy confession –
Be assured — this is my obsession –
That catching mice is my profession.
Lady Guinevere
I’ll be your guardian and mother
You’ll never need or want another.
I’ll feed you the richest cream,
We’ll pull together as one team:
Your life will be one long dream.
We’ll do the dishes, catch mice.
This place will be a paradise.
Kitten 1
Dearest Auntie, sweet and kind,
Dearest Mother, we aren’t blind
To deeds of charity and love.
You are a precious turtledove.
Our provisions are meager and few,
But we’ll make room for both of you.
Kitten 2
We’ll huddle together
In the frigid weather,
We’ll soften the pain
Of the furious rain.
Our sleep will be rich as gold,
Even without a quilt in the cold.
Lady Guinevere
(to Kitten 1)
I should have covered your head
With a blanket or quilt or cloth!
Vassily
(to Kitten 2)
I should have offered you bread,
You were gaunt and thin as thread!
Lady Guinevere
Once I was fashionably attired,
Worshipped by all, well admired.
Now nothing pleases me more
Than sleeping on the cold floor.
At long last we’ve found a home.
Tili-bom! Tili-tili-tili-bom!
Chorus
There once lived a cat
An aristocrat
A sophisticat.
From beyond the seas,
A true Siamese
Living in ease.
Narrator
Guinevere was her formal name,
A creature most fastidious.
She never lived like wild game.
Oh no,… how very hideous!
She covered her head with satin sheets
And dreamt of rich and dainty sweets
Snoring away all night
Under the soft moonlight!
One fine day our Lady’s house
Caught fire, went up in smoke.
Nothing was left– not a blouse.
Once it was, now it was a joke.
Is our Lady Cat still living?
If so, is she happy or grieving?
Listen, children, far and wide.
I’ll gladly tell you and confide:
Guinevere is alive and well
Caring for orphans in the dell.
She loves to help– in rain or ice,
At night she prowls for tasty mice.
Days she is nanny, ever so nice.
Vassily is wiser, no longer grunts,
He is not the lazy ol’ cat.
Under cover of night he hunts
For a fat, unsuspecting rat.
Or else, he leans by the long door
And teaches his charges ancient lore
Of brave cats who leap and soar.
Soon these kittens will grow tall
And leap and frolic like Auntie.
Soon they’ll leave their shanty
And build a new house for all.
Vassily
Soon they’ll leave their shanty
And build a new house for all.
Kittens
With precision we will lay
One beam on top of another,
Row after row of red clay:
One for our good mother,
For daughter and brother.
Vassily
Please don’t forget
The staircase or door!
Lady Guinevere
Shutter with a fret
Or windows that soar!
Kitten 1
An oven and a chimney!
Kitten 2
Pillars and a pass key!
Kitten 1
We’ll build a large attic–
Kitten 2
And a wing built of brick.
Lady Guinevere
Every crevice will sing–
Every spring, every string!
All
Our house will stand strong.
Come join us, old and young!
Lady Guinevere
Join us in song!
All day long!
Vassily
Strike the gong!
Kittens
So long, so long!
All
Tili-bom! Tili-tili-tili-bom,
Tili-bom! Tili-tili-tili-bom,
Let’s celebrate our new home!

END

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