Sep 25
THE DOG
A TRAGEDY IN TWO ACTS
by
VALENTIN KRASNOGOROV
[a.k.a. Valentin Fainberg]
Russian Translator: Benjamin Sher
(Translation Copyright © 1992 by Benjamin Sher)
Translated Under an Exclusive Agreement With The Playwright
AS PERFORMED THROUGHOUT RUSSIA
[Final -- Jan 20, 1998]
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
A MAN
A WOMAN
A DOG
The dog should be played by a young girl, preferably, nine to twelve years old. Although we shall characterize her stage action in “canine” terms (e.g. “she wags her tail”, etc…), the actress ought to play her role in “human” terms.
Place
Somewhere in Russia
Time
1980′s
ACT ONE
(An uncomfortable room with bare walls. The room is furnished with nothing more than a desk, several seedy-looking chairs, and a bench. A dilapidated door leads into the interior of the building. A woman, wearing a shabby smock, is sitting at her desk. She is sewing an evening dress. Every now and then she glances at a fashion magazine on her desk. Enter a man holding a puppy tenderly in his arms. The puppy is wrapped in his jacket. See note above about how the puppy should be played)
Man
Good afternoon.
Woman
(Tears herself away from the sewing machine. Gives him a dirty look) How do you do? (She resumes her sewing. Unfolding the jacket, the man carefully lowers the puppy onto the floor. The puppy scurries nimbly about the room sniffing her unfamiliar surroundings. The man keeps shifting from one foot to the other. He obviously doesn’t feel in his element and doesn’t know how to strike up a conversation)
Man
Cold, don’t you think? Cold and sunny. So damn cold out there! Who’d have thought?…
(Woman goes on with her sewing without responding. Man sits down, reaches for his cigarettes, flicks his lighter)
Woman
(Hostile tone) No smoking on the premises.
(Man puts lighter and cigarettes away)
Man
Imagine! One day about six weeks ago I was sitting in my apartment with nothing to do… So I said to myself: “Why not go to the store and pick up something?” (Expressive gesture) So I open the door to my apartment, and–would you believe!–this little puppy darts right in. You’d swear she’d been hanging around for just this. A little brown puppy with a white spot on her chest, intelligent little eyes, drooping ears. The cutest little thing. This wasn’t a dog. It was a bundle of joy! But why am I going on like this? There is no need to describe her. Here she is right before your very eyes. Isn’t she gorgeous?
Woman
(She remains silent, refusing so much as to glance at the dog)
Man
At first, I was sure she was an abandoned dog. Then, after looking a little closer, I changed my mind: She couldn’t be a stray dog. She was so affectionate, so sleek, so fat, you could lick the soup off her lips. So I say to myself: “So long as no one comes looking for her, why not play with her for a while.” So I pour milk into a bowl, pat her–and still no sign of the owner. So I say to myself: “How the hell is the owner supposed to know that his dog is here?” So I go outside, hang a “Dog Found” flyer on the front door of the house, in the store and at the bus stop, you know: DOG FOUND AT SUCH AND SUCH A PLACE ON SUCH AND SUCH A DAY. FOR DETAILS CALL SUCH AND SUCH, ETC. I return home, wait for someone to call, and–would you believe it–no one calls.
Woman
(Indifferently) Abandoned. (Goes on sewing)
Man
(Indignant) Abandoned? This cute little puppy? Impossible! Lost, I am sure, but… Anyway, I wait for awhile, then I say to myself: “No one’s bothered to claim her, so I might as well give her a bath. After all, who knows what filthy gutters she’s been hanging around… So I pour a little warm water into the bathtub, put her in. Suddenly, I’m terrified. What if she starts whimpering? Or scratching? Nothing of the sort! She takes one look at the water, sniffs at it, laps it with her tongue for a minute, then stands there as calm as can be. Just stands there looking at me. So I pick up a bar of soap and say: “Bubbles, give me your paw!” And, would you believe, she raises her paw just like I told her to!
Woman
(Perplexed, listlessly) And why “Bubbles”? What sort of name is this?
Man
(Confused) I really don’t know… It just came into my head. She is a feisty little puppy… and she is little… and she is a girl. So there you have it: “Bubbles”. Of course, it could’ve something to do with the bubbles in the bathtub. She’s some bulldog, you know!
Woman
She’s a boxer and not a bulldog.
Man
Oh, yeah, I know but when I found her I thought she was a bulldog… So I washed all four of her little paws, then her back and wrapped her in a towel. Then I put her on my lap, and all of a sudden, she starts licking my face… Then and there I knew I’d never give her up! (Calling Bubbles) Bubbles, come here! (The puppy runs up to her master) Shake! (The puppy raises her paw) Now the other paw! (The puppy offers the other paw) Good dog! (The man caresses his dog. Bubbles lies down at his feet)
Woman
What about the owner? Did he ever show up?
Man
No, and thank God he didn’t! (He pats the dog) Ever since then my life’s changed around completely. No matter where I am, night or day, I rush home as soon as I can … I open the door and, would you believe, she is jumping all over, beside herself with joy. And me too, I am so happy I could cry. So I go out and buy her her own little rug and her own little bowl. I even start cooking soup for her… she’s so full of life, so playful. And, boy, is she smart!… (Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little stick) You don’t believe me? Well, just watch! Fetch Bubbles, fetch! (He tosses the stick to Bubbles. She pounces on it, catches it in her mouth and returns it to her master, who takes the stick out of her mouth and pats her. He turns to the woman and says with pride) See what I mean?! There was a time when I knew nothing about them. In fact, I couldn’t have cared less for these bulldogs or boxers or what have you. It’s those jaws, you know. Downright terrifying… And it’s true–on the surface these dogs look so vicious. But deep down you couldn’t find a gentler soul. And they really aren’t that ugly… As a matter of fact, Bubbles’ face has kind of grown on me. So what if she isn’t the most beautiful dog in the world? To me, she is gorgeous.
Woman
And just why are you telling me all this?
Man
Who else can I tell all this to?
Woman
Whomever you please.
Man
Aren’t you interested?
Woman
No, I’m not. Besides, I am up to my neck with work.
(Returns to her sewing machine. Pause)
Man
Everybody kept telling me: “A dog is nothing but trouble.”… Trouble? What trouble? Joy! Nothing but! Except, of course, that she catches colds easily. But, don’t worry! I have seen to that. I ‘ve knit her a little vest. In fact, I intended to put it on her today, but when I looked through the window, it looked so warm outside. The sun can really fool you. So I had to carry Bubbles in my arms all the way here. I’m walking along and, would you believe it, I keep seeing her curious little eyes peeping from under the jacket. Funny, isn’t it? (Pats dog. Solicitously) I hope she doesn’t get sick. (Takes off his jacket and covers the dog with it. Pause)
Woman
Well, have you talked yourself out yet?
(The man doesn’t answer. The woman puts her sewing aside, opens a big ledger on her desk, picks up her pen and says) First name, please?
Man
I have already told you: “Bubbles.”
Woman
No, not hers. Yours.
Man
(Reluctantly) Mikhail.
Woman
Surname?
Man
Kovalyof.
Woman
Do you have your certificate of registration?
Man
What certificate?
Woman
Those are the rules. Every pet must be registered with the Veterinary Station in the owner’s name.
Man
I don’t have a certificate. Why do you need it?
Woman
That’s the way it’s done. The dog could be somebody else’s, you know. (Starts writing) Your address, sir?
Man
For God’s sake, could you please stop writing for just one minute… We’ll think of something, won’t we? Just look at her! So affectionate. Positively gorgeous? Don’t you think?
Woman
All boxers are affectionate.
Man
And, boy, is she smart! Positively amazing! Let me tell you a story. You won’t believe it. We were walking along…
Woman
(Cutting him off) Please, sir, no more stories. When it comes to dogs, I assure you I wasn’t born yesterday.
Man
But please, Madam, just hear me out… we were…
Woman
Enough is enough! I’m not much for idle chatter.
Man
Why on earth must you be such a sourpuss?
Woman
(Sarcastically) Because that’s just the way I am. (Picks up pen)
Man
That’s a shame!
Woman
(Aggressively) Why, am I being rude?
Man
No, not at all, but…
Woman
Am I violating any rules?
Man
No, of course not, but…
Woman
Or am I detaining you with long-winded conversations?
Man
No, nothing of the sort, but…
Woman
Or perhaps you expect me to get up (gets up, advances toward him) and offer you a cup of tea?–(Ironically) “While you’re at it, Ma’am, why not throw a piece of cake into the bargain?”–Is that what you want? And to think, my goodness, that I forgot to express my profound gratitude for your visit: (Ironically) “Thank you, sir, for your gracious visit. Be sure to look in on us more often… It has been a great pleasure…” (Sits down, regains composure)
Man
(Pulling back) Please don’t blow your top, Ma’am! I really didn’t mean it the way it sounded.
(The woman picks up her pen silently and reaches for the ledger)
Woman
Address?
Man
Don’t you think she might qualify as a show dog? I am serious! I’ve trained her myself. (Gives command) Bubbles, sit! (Bubbles springs to life, happy as can be, and wags her tail) I said: “Sit!” (Bubbles rubs her nose against her master’s feet and, looking him in the eye, tries to understand his command. The man addresses the woman apologetically) She’s just a puppy, you know. (Protectively) She is too young to understand… (To Bubbles) Sit! (Bubbles sits down and looks up devotedly at her master. The latter, beaming with pride, continues) Did you see that? And look at the way she is sitting– paws to the side, head tilted… pure pedigree!
Woman
(Involuntarily gazing at the dog) Yes, she is pure-bred!
Man
(Excitedly) You bet! She’s gonna win some medals all right! (To Bubbles) You will, won’t you, honey? (To the woman) The Kennel Club will pounce on her! You’ll see!
Woman
No, they won’t.
Man
And why not? What do you mean?
Woman
She doesn’t have any papers… as proof of pedigree.
Man
So?… Take a good look at her and tell me she isn’t pedigree! Besides, she isn’t some fancy countess, so why does she need papers?
Woman
That’s just the way it’s done!
Man
You mean she can’t even breathe without a certificate? Like us humans?
Woman
That’s right.
Man
And why is that?
Woman
(Sighing) For a dog lover, you are incredibly naive. I assure you the Kennel Club won’t take her.
Man
What’s wrong with them? Aren’t they human?
Woman
That’s just the point. I mean, they arehuman.
(Pause)
Man
Well, couldn’t she be a watchdog someplace?
Woman
No, they only take German shepherds for that. And only males. Yours is female. (Silence. The man reaches for a cigarette) No smoking!
Man
I’m sorry. (Thrusts cigarettes back into shirt pocket)
Woman
Why did you bring her here, anyway, sir? Was it your wife’s doing? Perhaps the dog got in her way?
Man
No, I live alone.
Woman
How is that?
Man
The usual thing… wife ran off with the kids.
Woman
Just got up and left, huh? What was it about you, if I may ask, that she didn’t like?
Man
The hell with her! That… I don’t want to say anything bad about her. And don’t ask me to say anything good about her either. There isn’t any.
Woman
Really? Nothing good?!
Man
Please, let’s not talk about her. O.K.?
Woman
So, how are you getting along now?
Man
Oh… so and so… I am sort of a loner. There’s only one thing in the whole world that’s mine… Come Bubbles, come! (Pats dog)
Woman
So why not keep the dog?
Man
But what about my work?
Woman
Everybody works, sir. Why should a dog be a problem?
Man
That depends on the kind of work. For example, I work for the railways. I’m always on the road…
Woman
Somehow, you’ve managed quite well till now, haven’t you?
Man
That’s just it: “Somehow”. At first I took vacation leave–three weeks’ worth. Then I got lucky: I caught a cold! So I called in sick… Finally, I had to go back to work. Couldn’t help it. But I refused to go on the road, at least for the time being… I worked at the depot. But this was no solution. Bubbles was home all alone, whimpering, howling. The neighbors swamped the Complaints Bureau with abusive letters, cursing, frothing at the mouth, threatening to kill her! (Momentary silence) And they’ll do it, too, those swine! You know what sort of people we are dealing with here, don’t you?
Woman
I certainly do!
(Pause)
Man
(Beseechingly) So what should I do? I’m at my wits’ end.
Woman
It’s not so bad. It’s a little hard at first, but when she grows up, she’ll get used to staying home alone.
Man
Yes, yes, but I can’t be stuck in the depot forever. They need me on the road. The crew is getting restless. They’re saying: “Stop playing the fool or quit your job and let somebody else have it.” So you see, don’t you, I’m at a dead end.
Woman
Couldn’t you leave your dog with someone while you’re away? You know, for a day or two?
Man
For a day or two, maybe… but not for a month or how about three?
Woman
Three months?! I’ve never heard of trips lasting that long. You could go around the world in that time. Are you serious?
Man
Yes, indeed, lady! You see, we are refrigeration specialists. We work for the railroads.
Woman
Refrigeration specialists?
Man
Yes. We’re in charge of the refrigeration cars. (Authoritatively) It’s our professional responsibility to maintain the appropriate temperature wherever needed. You know what I mean?
Woman
But why do your trips take so long?
Man
How else could you do it? For instance, we load up with fish in Murmansk and unload in Tashkent in the south. In Tashkent, we stuff our cars with fruit and drive on to the Pacific. We then dump the fruit and load up on meat. From there we head for Moscow. And so on. Sometimes we are on the road for six months at a stretch. So, tell me, who has time for a dog?
Woman
Have you tried finding a home for her with your friends?
Man
(Dejectedly) Yes, but nobody wants her. One person complains that his apartment is too small, another says he is going away for the summer. No one has time for a dog. Everybody puts up such a fuss…
Woman
I know… nobody has any time.
Man
There’s this kid in our apartment house. He pestered me for days on end: “Let me have Bubbles, Mister, please, pretty please!” So I gave him the puppy. Boy, you should have seen him. He was in heaven.
Woman
So what happened then?
Man
His mother comes running back with the puppy: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let a dog keep my boy away from his studies. I won’t allow it!” While she raves and rants, the poor boy is standing right behind her crying his heart out… (Pause) So I take Bubbles to my sister’s–she’d been moaning about how she wants a dog for ages. Well, believe it or not, Sadie says no. Why not, you ask? (The woman shrugs her shoulders) You’d never guess! Pedigree! “A royal poodle I would take,” she says, “but boxers, well… they’re out of fashion these days.” That’s my Sadie for you. What do you make of that? (Strokes Bubbles while talking to her) Listen, Bubbles! You aren’t in fashion any more! Did you know that? Sadie wants a poodle. Not just any old poodle, honey. A royal poodle!
Woman
It’s true. Boxers are no longer in fashion.
Man
In fashion?! What do I care about fashion? Bubbles isn’t some piece of clothing! (Pounds the desk with his fist) How can you talk about fashion when it comes to living things! Maybe you and I are out of fashion! Did you ever think about that? (Jabs his finger into the fashion magazine lying on the woman’s desk. Sarcastically) So what are those chic fashion magazines of yours saying about us? Ha! Sooner or later, we’ll all end up in the dumpster!
Woman
(Pushing the fashion magazine aside) Pipe down, sir, pipe down, please! Why all this rage? (Silence. The man reaches for his cigarettes) No smoking! (The man puts the cigarettes back in his shirt pocket. Pause)
Man
(Restless) So I sweated over this business all month until finally last Tuesday I took Bubbles and rode with her to the other end of town. Well… and I left her there… I said to myself: Someone will give her a home. Then I went home. Would you believe, the moment I stepped inside my apartment, I felt like howling. One look at her bowl and at the little ball she used to chew on and this horrible feeling comes over me… Three days pass. Late one night I hear someone scraping at the door. I open the door–it’s her! It’s Bubbles! Thin as a rake, pooped out… and what’s the first thing she does? She leaps all over me, licking and barking… I felt like scum… real scum… (When Bubbles senses that she is being talked about, she jumps up, wags her tail and curls up at her master’s feet. Man’s voice trembles) Tomorrow, it’s back on the road.
(Pause)
Woman
(Unexpectedly severe) Now look here, sir! This is no place for heart-rending farewells! I have enough to do around here as it is.
Man
Why, am I in your way?
Woman
(Spitefully) No, why should you be? You’re a great help! (Pause) So, have you decided to give up your dog or not?
Man
(Flaming up) Give up? Why, you dog! You bark and carry on… You just wait! Soon you’ll be biting like a dog. Yes, you sound just like a bitch! (Catching the woman’s unfriendly glance, he proceeds a little more cautiously)… I’m sorry, Ma’am, but that’s the only word that fits.
Woman
It’s all right, sir. I really don’t consider it an insult.
Man
So much the better.
Woman
Of course, if you keep on running off at the mouth, I shall have to show you out. You can’t conduct yourself here as if you were at home. This is a respectable establishment. (Silence) Well, sir, do you intend to sit here all day? Do you see that hallway? (Pointing to door) I’ll bet there’s a line forming out there right now.
Man
It’s so hard for me to make up my mind. Do you understand?
Woman
If it’s so hard, then you shouldn’t have come. People are waiting, while you rattle on and on.
Man
There wasn’t anybody waiting when I came.
Woman
Yes, but it’s almost closing time. They’ll be lining up soon enough.
Man
Lady, you don’t have a heart. That’s what’s wrong with you.
Woman
That’s the way I am.
Man
You could use a little feeling, you know.
Woman
(Ironically) What for?
Man
(Surprised) Why a little feeling?
Woman
Yes.
Man
What kind of question is that?
Woman
And you–you have this “feeling”?
Man
Another strange question! Sure, I’ll give you an answer! What I’m trying to say is that you’re…
Woman
(Cutting him off) Leave me out of this, please! (Pause) Who is giving up the dog, you or I? (The man remains silent) Well, now that we agree on something, why don’t we drop all this prattle about feelings, and get on with the business at hand. (Pause) So your dog is not registered?
Man
No, she’s not.
Woman
(Maliciously yet with quiet triumph) In that case, I won’t take her.
Man
And why not?
Woman
Regulations, sir! First, you’ll have to pay a five ruble fine for illegal possession of an animal. Then come and see me. And with a receipt. (Slams the ledger shut)
Man
(Confused) Where do I pay the fine?
Woman
At the Third Veterinary Station.
Man
(Exasperated) Receipts, vets, shmets! What will they think of next?… Just to add to our misery! (The woman doesn’t respond) What if I pay the fine directly to you?
Woman
No need for that, sir!
Man
OK, forget the five. How about ten? (Hands her the money)
Woman
(Sneering) Aren’t we being generous today?
Man
(Disturbed) What’s the matter? Not enough? I have lots more where that came from. (Again reaches into his pocket)
Woman
I’ve already said there is no need for that.
Man
What difference does it make where I pay the fine?
Woman
A big difference–if you ask me!
Man
Why should I have to drag myself from office to office?
Woman
That’s your problem, sir.
Man
You mean–otherwise you won’t take her?
Woman
Precisely!
Man
(Sighing) So where is this Vet Station of yours?
Woman
(Reluctantly) It’s close by. In the adjacent building.
Man
Thanks. (Prepares to leave. Stops in his tracks. Defiant) No way, lady! I won’t go! Here, take it! (Again reaches into his pocket) Do you have change for 25 rubles?
Woman
(Laughing) If I had that kind of money, somebody would have snatched me up long ago!
Man
You mean you’re not married?
Woman
I’m afraid not.
Man
(The man ponders the situation for a moment. His face beams) I have an idea… (With delight. Authoritatively) May I respectfully propose that you take Bubbles home with you? You won’t feel so lonely then.
Woman
And I thought you were about to propose… to me.
Man
(Looks at her significantly for the very first time. With bravado) Now that you mention it, I’m all yours. Just give the word.
Woman
Just like that?
Man
Sure, why wait? I’ll be back on the road tomorrow.
Woman
I’ll bet you would do anything for your dog, wouldn’t you?
Man
What makes you say that?… We’d make a great match, lady! You and me!
Woman
But I don’t have a heart. Remember?
Man
It’s true, you sure have a temper! But I’ll take the risk.
Woman
How brave you are! You aren’t afraid of anything, are you?
Man
Afraid? Of what? After putting up with my ex? Nothing could be more terrifying than her.
Woman
You must have been in love with her. You can’t seem to get her out of your mind.
Man
Well, to be frank, she really wasn’t bad. She was just like any other wife. I could’ve lived with her, even if she did nag me to death… I’d just play deaf. I could forgive her an awful lot, but (voice rising) what I could never forgive her for (pounding the desk with his fist) is… leaving me. I’ll never forgive her for that! (Bubbles jumps up, startled. The man calms her down) Sit down, sit down, honey. No need to be afraid. (Once again the dog curls up at her master’s feet)
Woman
Why did she leave you?
Man
Why don’t you ask her yourself… I don’t really know what the hell more she could have wanted. We had a fine house crammed with everything under the sun. Everything worked like magic: the doors, the faucets, the locks. As smooth as a machine. There were shelves and dressers and cabinets everywhere you looked. Would you believe, I made them all with my own hands!… And when it came to money… boy oh boy!… You know, lady, (looking directly into her eyes as he leans over the desk) I rake in more money in one month than a dozen poor stiffs in a year.
Woman
And where do you get this kind of money, may I ask? Do the railroads pay that much?!
Man
(Satirical) Of course! If you don’t mind waiting till doomsday!… (Haughty) We manage very well on our own, thank you!
Woman
How is that?
Man
(Slightly embarrassed) Well, when we load up with fish in Murmansk–we put away some of the action for ourselves.
Woman
“We”? Who is “we”?
Man
The gang. The buddies I work with on the refrigeration cars… We then dump the fish in Tashkent. They can never get enough of it. We then load up with fruit and off we go to Siberia… That’s how I earn…
Woman
Your daily bread?
Man
Bread? (Laughs) Not only bread, Miss! Try bread and butter. And, you guessed it, everybody wants to get on our gravy train. (Laughs again at own humor) “Sure,” I say, “you can join, but how about three grand for starters.” (Boastful) Even then, who knows, I may not want to give them a piece of the action.
Woman
You have done well for yourself, haven’t you?
Man
(Proud) Sure, a man has gotta make a living, don’t you think? But, believe me, it’s not been all downhill. We have problems, too, like everybody else. If you want to make a killing in this business, you gotta know how to manage. Nothing gets done by itself. Sometimes we come into a station and hang around for three weeks before they load the train. That smart alec Director–you know, of Warehouses–well, he passes our cars like he doesn’t know who we are. The bastard just keeps staring at the sky. Meanwhile, there go our annual bonuses–right down the drain! (Emphasizes with hand gesture while looking directly into the woman’s eyes) No grease, no action! Know what I mean, lady?!… Then come the big shots. They all want their cut… But don’t worry, I’ve been at this refrigeration business fourteen years. I’ve got customers everywhere… The gang sticks to me like glue.
Woman
Why, are they children or something? Don’t they know how to take care of themselves?
Man
(With bravado) Where would they be without me? They are greedy little bastards, but brains they ain’t got. Just recently, we got stuck at a station in Georgia. So I went to investigate, to see what’s what. Meanwhile, the guys get wind of a shipment of brandy. They find out where the tank is, pick up their bottle… would you believe, a 10 gallon milk can (laughing)… we had this can put aside for just these occasions–and then they fly off like a band of gypsies to pour themselves some. And–you guessed it–they leave the car unguarded. And I keep beating it into their heads night and day: “Never leave the car unprotected!”
Woman
(Cutting him off) Wait a second! What do you mean by “pour themselves some”?
Man
Well, there are all sorts of ways… in fact, by the time we’re done with it, the can is full, but so is the tank! Ha-ha! (laughs) and no one is the wiser… so they “pour” it, all right. (Still laughing) Then they turn around and go back. Just then I show up on the scene–would you believe, no car!
Woman
What do you mean “no car”?
Man
The usual thing, you know… we run around in circles, some here, some there, until we wear our butts off. By a miracle, we found our refrigeration car two kilometers away. Right next to it we found a freight truck, and in this truck we saw a bunch of no-good crooks making off with carcasses–I’m talking dozens of carcasses–from our car. So one guy grabs a crowbar, another grabs a monkey-wrench and, boy, we finally get our car back. But the truck scampered off with our meat, and the milk container is nowhere in sight. Must’ve happened while we were busy fighting… (Mocking) “Are they children or something?” Is that what you just asked?! Are you kidding?
Woman
You do lead a strange life.
Man
Not really, it’s all quite normal.
Woman
And your buddies? Aren’t they strange?
Man
As normal as you and me. They’re just a bit too efficient for their own good.
Woman
And you?
Man
Well, I could teach them a lesson or two. As a matter of fact, I’m sort of “leader of the pack”. I’ve got to stay on top or else they’ll chew me to pieces.
Woman
So what was it about you that your wife couldn’t stand?
Man
(Taken aback) What?! (Thinking) Well, you see, she was bored. I work my ass off like a mule. I dress her up from head to toe and she is “bored”! Do you have any idea how many dresses she’s got, not to mention every other piece of junk she’s managed to squeeze out of me? You could run a train for a whole year on her wardrobe. And all I ever heard from her was: “Give up your job! Quit that job of yours, honey!”
Woman
She didn’t like those long separations, did she?
Man
That, too. But even when I was home, would you believe, she wouldn’t let me go play dominoes with my buddies. “It’s enough,” she’d say, “just trying to get you to see the kids.” And I…
Woman
(Cutting him off) Are the kids grown up?
Man
Well, now they’re grown up. My son just finished school, and my daughter is in ninth grade… No, I take it back, in eighth…
Woman
(Pensive. Tinge of sarcasm) I understand!
Man
And, on top of that, she took offense because I wouldn’t call or write. What is there to call about? It’s always the same routine with us: we load up and get a move on, we move on and we unload.
Woman
(Pensive. Tinge of sarcasm) I understand!
Man
She didn’t know how to wait, wouldn’t stay faithful… (pats Bubbles) Take a look at this bundle of joy with drooping ears! So tiny but, boy, is she loyal. And you keep talking about my wife… that wife of mine is no match for her.
Woman
I am not talking about her.
Man
(Making a fist) The bitch… she was lucky, she got away with it. She ran off before I had a chance to… if I had caught her with that bastard… I would’ve beaten them both to a pulp. (Silent for a moment)… Anyway, good riddance! That’s all in the past, and I am not about to look back. What’s done is done. But, why don’t you tell me something about yourself?… So, why aren’t you married?
Woman
Just like that? You expect me to spill out my guts to you? Just like that?
Man
And why not?
Woman
(A hint of rudeness) Well, I’ll have you know, sir, that I don’t go around spilling my guts out to strangers.
Man
Boy, you are a feisty gal, aren’t you?
Woman
I’m sorry, but that’s the way I am. (Pause) Well, are you giving up the dog or not?
(With trembling fingers, the man reaches for his cigarette pack and thrusts it back into his shirt pocket)
Man
She won’t feel anything, Miss, will she?
Woman
No, don’t worry. It won’t hurt. A little jolt and it’s all over.
(The man looks at the dog. Catching his gaze, Bubbles wags her tail in delight. The woman picks up her pen and reaches for the ledger)
Man
(Ill at ease) What are you writing there?
Woman
I am recording your dog’s…
Man
(Slams the ledger shut) Waita minute! Why are you in such a hurry?… For you, Bubbles is just another animal. But to me she is a lot more… You may think it’s funny, but–would you believe–she makes me feel like a human being again. At long last, somebody really needs me. But the main thing is that she doesn’t love me for my money or my job… not even because I’m kind to her. She just loves me, that’s all. (Pause) And how she waits for me everyday. It’s such a joy to come home… I turn on the TV and there she is lying at my feet. Such a cute, warm little creature. You know, we watch television together… In fact, I’ve even given up drinking… Do you understand? I’m a god to her! I’m everything to her! And now you want to turn on the knife-switch on her?!
(Pause)
Woman
In that case, why don’t you wait for a while? Think about it for a day or two. Maybe you’ll find a way out.
Man
I can’t wait any longer. I’ve agonized over this long enough. And I’ve gotta get back to work.
Woman
Come on, couldn’t you wait a few more days?
Man
No, I’ve already dilly-dallied long enough. I’ve already taken time off, changed shifts, asked friends to house-sit for me… (sighing) I don’t have any more strength left in me.
Woman
(Decisively) Well, then, why don’t you hand her over and be done with it?
Man
But how can I live without her? I couldn’t take it, coming home from work, with everything so damn quiet. Like a cemetery! Nobody to greet you, nobody to curl up next to you on the sofa…
(From behind the wall we hear the muffled howling of dogs. Bubbles looks around uneasily, whimpers quietly and presses tightly against the man. The man listens intently as if in alarm)
What’s that?
Woman
(Reluctantly) It’s the dogs. They are howling.
Man
What dogs?
Woman
The ones we catch.
Man
Where?! Why?!
Woman
We have a special squad of dog catchers… They round up all of the homeless dogs at night and bring them here. Didn’t you know?
Man
And you kill them?
Woman
(Spitefully) No, we tie pink little ribbons around their necks and parade them up and down Main Street.
(Silence)
Man
And what do they do with the dogs they kill?
Woman
They load them up onto a truck and send them off for salvage. The hides are used for fur, the carcasses for bone flour… They say that it makes good feed for the poultry farm. Very nutritious, in fact.
(The man takes Bubbles in his arms and holds her close. The howl continues unabated)
Man
And do they catch many of them?
Woman
On a good night–a dozen or so.
Man
Where on earth do they find so many homeless dogs?
Woman
(Dryly) Don’t you know? Somebody gets fed up with his dog, takes it some distance from his apartment and abandons it: “Well, maybe somebody will give it a home.” That’s what they all say. (The man lowers his eyes) At night, our dog catcher drives around in his big truck with a net at the ready. For every dog he catches he gets three rubles… (The howling grows louder)
Man
Why do they have to howl like that? (She doesn’t answer) Don’t you kill them right away?
Woman
Dogs brought in by their masters are killed right away. The ones we catch ourselves we hold for three days.
Man
What for?
Woman
That’s just the way it’s done.
Man
(Listening to the howling of the dogs) You do feed them, don’t you?
Woman
(With bitter sarcasm) Feed them? Feed them what?!
Man
But why make them wait and suffer? Wouldn’t it be better…?
Woman
(Cutting him off. Sympathetically) Don’t you understand? We want to give the owners a chance to claim their missing pets.
Man
And some people claim them?
Woman
You bet they do! And you should see them. They’re beside themselves with joy–both of them, dogs and people… (Pause) Excuse me, but I’m really tired of all this chatter. And, as you can see, work is piling up on my desk. Now, sir, let me have the dog.
(The woman takes the carefree puppy by the leash and leads it into the interior of the building. Rooted to the spot, the man follows them both with his eyes)
Man
(Coming to his senses) Stop! Stop! Where are you taking Bubbles to?
Woman
I’m taking her… where you brought her to be taken.
Man
For God’s sake, I never meant that place! (Nods in the direction of the inner chamber) I just wanted to find out, you know, what’s what.
Woman
Well, you found out, didn’t you? (She tries to lead the dog away)
Man
No, no! (Tries to force the leash from her hand)
Woman
(Refuses to let go of the puppy) You won’t help matters with all this fine talk of yours. You made your decision–there’s no point in putting it off.
Man
No, let me tell you! (Grabs the leash from her hand) Bubbles–as bone flour?! I won’t let them!
Woman
(Quickly) It’s your affair. In that case, good-bye. (She pushes the man towards the entrance)
Man
Couldn’t you be a little more courteous, lady?
Woman
Get going! Get going!
Man
Don’t you worry, I’m leaving. Maybe you can stand this business–hanging around here for days on end–but I can’t! (Solemnly) It turns my guts inside out!
Woman
Come on now, sir, please go!
Man
I’m going! I’m going! (Sarcastically) What a sweetie pie you’veturned out to be! And I’ll bet you aren’t even ashamed of rotting away in this crummy job of yours… So tell me, how many dogs have you killed this week?!
(The woman winces from his words as if she had just been slapped in the face but doesn’t answer. Man continues)
You know, I’ve been trying to figure you out from the moment I got here. Just what the hell made you choose this job? So you can get rich on five ruble notes, is that it?! Or are you making collars from the fur of dogs?! (The woman, cut to the quick, can barely control her emotions) So what’s your angle, lady? What’s the matter, can’t you talk?
Woman
Please, my friend, be so kind as to leave…
Man
I’m not your friend! But tell me: Aren’t you ashamed of telling people where you work? Huh? Look at yourself! You know what you look like? You’re a witch, an evil, clawing witch. I bet you forgot what it means to be a human being.
Woman
(Ominously) Are you finished?
Man
(Pulling back physically) No, I’m not finished. Not quite!
Woman
Are you going, or am I going to have to throw you out?
Man
(Contemptuously) I hope I never lay my eyes on you again as long as I live! Phew! Let’s go, Bubbles! (Leaves with Bubbles)
Woman
(Shouting after him) Don’t forget to have her registered! The Third Veterinary Station! Next door!
(Silence. The woman makes her way slowly to her desk, thinks about something for a long time, then opens the ledger, studies the entries, puts on black, protective, rubber gloves and exits into the interior of the building. A little later, we hear a droning sound, the light in the room turns dim, the pressure drops and we hear the brief sound of a dog’s scream. This procedure is repeated three times. The woman returns to her desk more depressed than usual. She removes her gloves, puts them on the bench, sits down at her desk, makes three entries in the ledger, reaches for a cigarette and lights it up. She inhales deeply).
ACT TWO
(Without leaving the stage during the intermission, the woman finishes the cigarette and resumes sewing. The man enters. He is without his dog. The woman greets him icily. Silence)
Woman
Where’s your dog?
Man
Over there! Behind the door. I left her in the hallway.
Woman
Don’t forget to tie a stone around her neck when you dump her in the river. Dogs are great swimmers. (The man doesn’t respond) Why have you returned?
Man
Why are you always talking to me like that–as if you were condemning me for something?
Woman
Condemn? On the contrary, can’t you see that I am trying to give you some good advice?
Man
Thanks.
Woman
You’re welcome.
(The man sits down meekly on the edge of the bench)
Man
I thought… since you are single… perhaps you’d be willing to take the dog.
Woman
No, I can’t.
Man
And why not? Just look at her! What a splendid creature. Doesn’t bark, doesn’t make any noise, really doesn’t need any care at all. Just throw her a bone with a little meat on it, take her for a walk twice a day, and you’re done with it. She’ll show her appreciation like never… you’ll never regret it.
Woman
No, listen, please…
Man
(Cutting her off) And I’ll show my appreciation, too. Just ask, and I’ll give you all the money you’ll ever need. Buy her the best that money can buy. And when I’m in town, I’ll drop in and take her off your hands.
Woman
(Insistently) I’ve already told you I can’t! And, besides, why torture yourself? A dog is just a dog.
Man
That’s easy for you to say… you have a heart of stone. Boy, thank God I’m not like…
Woman
(Cutting him off) So, it’s the heart business again.
(Pause)
Man
Well, you just said so yourself: “Why torture yourself?”… And, you know, you’re right! Come to think of it–what do I need a dog for? No, she needs me! She needs me to feed her, take care of her, etc. But what use is she to me? She’s just a king-size headache.
Woman
You see what I mean!
Man
Just the same… I felt a lot less sorry when me and my ex separated. Seriously. And what was there to be sorry about? I am a good cook. I do my own wash. When you’re on the road as much as I am, you pick up a lot of things.
Woman
And is that all a wife is good for, in your opinion–doing the laundry?
Man
(Continues thinking aloud without responding to the woman’s sting) How strange! All my life I’ve tried to make life as comfortable as can be. I sweated, busted my behind, dragged my loot home like an ant–so where the hell is happiness?… Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t a crack somewhere… Everything keeps slipping away. Before, I was positively content with my life… Now, I don’t know… There is something missing. But what? Could it really be a dog?
Woman
(Softens up a bit) Are you really that attached to Bubbles?
Man
No, I’m just pretending. (The woman turns on the electric kettle) So what should I do?
Woman
(Shrugging her shoulders) How should I know?
Man
Well, I don’t know either.
Woman
Couldn’t you change jobs? Don’t tell me they won’t let you quit the railroad?
Man
Change to what?! It’s become a habit, like smoking. Besides, it’s all I know.
Woman
I understand that you are a refrigeration mechanic. Right?
Man
You bet! And a damn good mechanic, too! Finished Trade School!
Woman
That’s what I mean. They could use someone like you in the factories, in commerce… not to mention in household repair. Couldn’t you settle down with some job?
Man
But what about my seniority? You think I’d let it slip out of my hands? Would you believe, in just two years, they’ll be calling me “Distinguished Railroad Worker.” Then, there is the pay boost, the pension… And where else am I going to find such an easy job? We don’t have to break our backs. Do you understand what I mean? We refrigeration specialists live on automatic… we change the padding once a week… the rest of the time we sit around playing cards in our cozy little den. The rails thunder and boom–and the work takes care of itself… True, we have to work our butts off at the stations. But that’s no problem. Everybody works like a dog then. It’s for our own good and we all know it. I’ve tried to explain this to you once before. And, believe it or not, I get 800 rubles a month for working on this health resort on wheels! (Haughtily) Try making that kind of money in the big city, lady!
Woman
So that’s what it’s all about! (Disgusted) You’re right, could anyone rake in that kind of money in the city? Sure, Bubbles, love me to death–that’s just dandy! But just don’t get in my way. Right?
Man
Why do you keep looking at me like that–like a wolf? What am I? Some kind of criminal… or crook?! I’m just an ordinary person, like everybody else.
Woman
And you think that’s enough?
Man
(Defensively) Well, if you are such a do-gooder, why don’t you take the dog off my hands? But you won’t take her either, will you?
Woman
No!
Man
You see what I mean!… It’s easy to find fault in others, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, your kind chickens out.
Woman
People bring in hundreds of dogs every day from all over the city. And you want me to take them all home with me?
Man
Who said all of them? Just Bubbles! (With feeling) By God, I’m pleading with you as a human being. I’ll even get on my knees, if you like… What’s the big deal, lady? You live alone.
Woman
I don’t live alone.
Man
But you just said…
Woman
(Cutting him off) I do not live alone. I already have three dogs living with me. Three! Just buying meat scraps for them all has nearly ruined me… (Nodding in the direction of the sewing machine) If it weren’t for the sewing, I’d have been a beggar long ago. Do you have any idea how little they pay me here?
Man
You’re already taking care of three, right? So what’s another dog? Now the meat scraps… (Reaches into his pocket) Here’s thirty rubles–and that’s just for starters.
Woman
Are you trying to buy off your conscience? (Pushes the money away) I don’t need your pieces of silver. I’ve already told you I can’t. I can hardly move around in my apartment as it is!
Man
(Trying to persuade her to take the money) Take it, take it! Maybe money can’t buy everything, but it can’t hurt… By the way, why so many dogs?
Woman
“Why?”… why so many dogs?!… Someone has to take pity on them, for goodness’ sake! So every now and then I’ll take some of them away from this place… I manage, somehow. I ring up my friends… (proud) I’ll have you know I’ve already organized this entire Animal Protection Bureau…. Otherwise, what’s the point of my working here?
Man
You can’t save them all.
Woman
I know, I know. But we must do something… anything.
Man
Three dogs, thirty dogs, what does it matter? It’s just a drop in the bucket.
Woman
And Bubbles, is she also just a drop in the bucket? Is there no point then in doing something? In doing whatever we can?! (The man is at a loss as to what to say) There is one awful thing, though. I’ll never get used to… you know what I mean… the knife-switch.
Man
You’ve gotta leave this place!… (Surprised at what he is saying) You’ve got to get married. You’ve got to find yourself a good man…
Woman
You have somebody in particular in mind?
Man
How about me?
Woman
(Bursts out laughing) You must be kidding!… Thanks but no thanks. (Still laughing) I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.
Man
So what’s so funny? You are single, and so am I. Why shouldn’t we give it a try? Have you ever been married?
Woman
Yes, I was.
Man
And how did it go? (Awkwardly) I mean… the lovey-dovey stuff. (The woman makes a vague gesture) Didn’t quite work out, ha? And who was to blame? The husband, I’ll bet. No?
Woman
No, it was my fault.
Man
(Surprised) Your fault? Why? You didn’t love him?
Woman
On the contrary, I loved him too much. Madly, blindly. Could never have enough of him. (Breaks off suddenly) You think it’s funny, don’t you? An old witch like me talking about love!
Man
Nothing funny about it. So what happened?
Woman
Nothing. Who needs a love like mine these days? It’s hard enough just putting up with it.
Man
But I still don’t understand why you blame yourself.
Woman
I am like Bubbles. Once I love someone, it’s forever. Until I’m abandoned or killed. And I expect the same from a man. And this is so stupid. Where could you find someone today who’d not deceive or betray you, who would live only for you?!… No, I’d much rather love dogs.
Man
But you mustn’t… what are you saying?
(Pause. The woman turns off the boiling kettle)
Woman
Would you like some tea?
Man
No, thank you.
Woman
It’s piping hot.
Man
All right. I guess I’ll have some. (The woman spreads a tablecloth on her desk, then places a teapot on it along with cups, pastry and a can of preserves) I’ll be right back. I just want to check on Bubbles. (The man exits as the woman prepares the tea. The man returns)
Woman
Well, how is she?
Man
As usual… Keeps looking at everybody with those clever little eyes of hers.
Woman
At “everybody”?
Man
Yes. There’s a line in the hallway… people with their dogs. (The woman’s expression turns gloomy again. She picks up a piece of plywood on which CLOSED has been crudely inscribed in red ink and exits into the hallway. Pause. The sound of discontented voices is heard, along with the woman’s curt replies and the barking of dogs. Then silence. The woman returns to her desk) So, a big crowd? Are they violent?
Woman
(Shrugging her shoulders resignedly) No big deal.
Man
You really can’t blame them for being upset, can you? They come here from all over and wait and wait when, all of a sudden, the door is slammed in their faces.
Woman
It’s nothing. Believe me, they’ll survive another day with their dogs. (Momentarily silent) Besides, someone might change his mind.
Man
But how did you explain it to them? (Looking at the clock on the wall) It’s not closing time yet…
Woman
I don’t really have to explain anything to anybody… (Hesitating at first, she reaches for another piece of plywood with the inscription CLOSED FOR INSPECTION) Go on, hang it on the door for me, please. (The man takes the sign and exits. The woman takes off her smock, puts on the evening dress that she has been sewing throughout the play and combs her hair before a mirror. Returning, the man stops dead in his tracks, astonished by the change that has taken place: Instead of the hard, cold, prickly “witch”, he sees before him an attractive, youngish woman wearing a beautiful evening dress. She, in turn, looks in puzzlement at the man) Well, what?
Man
Nothing.
Woman
Have they gone away?
Man
Yes.
Woman
Splendid! Let’s have some tea! (Picks up teapot)
Man
(Tries to take the teapot out of her hands) Let me help!
Woman
No, that’s a woman’s job. (Pours tea into cups)
Man
(Sipping the tea with pleasure) You know, you are really beautiful.
Woman
(Flirting) And why shouldn’t I be beautiful?!
Man
You are right. Why not?
Woman
Why don’t you try some of the pastry?
Man
Thanks. (Tasting) Did you bake this yourself?
Woman
Who did you think?
Man
Tastes great!
Woman
Perhaps you’d like something to eat? I brought some sausage with me today.
Man
No, thanks. I’m not hungry… of course, I’ll bet Bubbles…
Woman
In that case, bring her in! Why should she sit out there all bored?
(The man exits. Meanwhile, the woman unwraps a roll of sausage. The man returns. Bubbles is at his heels)
Man
(Uncomfortably) You know, there is a man sitting in the hallway. A fine-looking gentleman… He asked about you.
Woman
Did he have a dog?
Man
No, a mustache.
Woman
(Laughing) Ha-ha! A mustache. Ha-ha!… please sit down. (Offers the man the roll of sausage) Won’t you please have some?
Man
(Takes the sausage. Cheerfully) Come here, Bubbles! Well, are you coming? Have we got something for you! (Bubbles runs up, sniffs the sausage, smacks her lips, takes a bite and chews on it with delight) You like it, hah? I knew you would! Good girl! Go ahead, eat it all! You’ll grow up strong and healthy in no time, trust me! (Offers Bubbles the sausage. She takes another bite. Now the man takes a bite. They chew the sausage with hearty appetite. In due course, they manage to consume a fair portion of the sausage. The woman, who has been observing them all this time, breaks out in a boisterous laugh) Why are you laughing?
Woman
You look so funny–the way both of you are devouring that sausage!
Man
(Puts down the remaining piece of sausage on the desk) Oh, I’m sorry! We haven’t left you a thing.
Woman
Don’t worry about me! Eat all you want!
Man
(Suddenly turning serious) For the record, why do you hang around here?
Woman
For the record, just where should I be?
Man
(Nodding in the direction of the hallway) Well, for one thing, that fellow with a mustache… is waiting for you.
Woman
(Smiling) Oh, don’t worry about him. He can wait.
Man
Maybe he’s already left.
Woman
If you’re that interested, why not go into the hallway and see for yourself!
Man
(Takes the remaining piece of sausage) Let’s go, Bubbles, you’ll finish it off in the hallway. (Using the sausage as bait, the man leads the dog into the hallway. A minute later he returns alone) He’s still sitting out there!
Woman
Good! Let him sit!
Man
And why won’t he come in?
Woman
Because I won’t let him in. (Momentarily silent)… I’ll be right back!
(The woman exits. The man reaches into his pocket for his cigarettes, puts a cigarette in his mouth. Then remembering the ban on smoking, he returns the pack to his shirt-pocket. The woman has come back)
Man
Well?
Woman
I showed him out.
Man
And what about Bubbles?
Woman
(Smiling) Standing guard. Do you want some more tea?
Man
I won’t say no. (Brings his cup closer so the woman can pour the tea) I can’t help wondering how you ever ended up in a place like this.
Woman
What’s the big deal? A job is a job.
Man
You haven’t always been an executioner, have you? You must be a vet or maybe you have no specialty at all?
Woman
Actually, I’m a modeller by trade… Finished trade school…
Man
A modeller? What’s that?
Woman
A dressmaker… a very good dressmaker, who not only makes dresses but also designs them.
Man
High class clientele, I’ll bet. You must be swamped with orders.
Woman
It’s true. I used to be swamped with orders all the time. That is, when I worked at the atelier de luxe.
Man
Oh!
Woman
That’s just the point: “Oh!” High class! Nothing but the choicest of the choice… Money, connections… what have you!…
Man
(On his guard) Well, go on. So what happened then?
Woman
Nothing… I just couldn’t go on with it anymore.
Man
And why not?
Woman
(Sneering) Don’t you get it?
Man
Get what?
Woman
In that case–what’s the point of trying to explain!
Man
No! You started it, you finish it! What weren’t you happy with? An atelier! And a chic, high-class atelier at that! Doesn’t that mean something to you?!
Woman
(Emotionally) Sure it means something: High-class intrigues! High-class black marketeering! That’s what!
Man
What do you care? Let them play their little games. You just keep on sewing!
Woman
With what? Where am I going to get the materials I need? You can’t turn out anything half-way decent without materials: buttons, trimmings, and so on. And where do you go for that?!–to the black market! It all boils down to this: You have to scrounge around for every little thing yourself.
Man
What did you expect?
Woman
At the trade school they said I had talent. I was just a little girl then… (Wistfully) My big dream was to make all women beautiful… I came up with all these elegant designs… (Somewhat indignant) Those clients of mine were rich, the wives of big shots, nothing but brazen, high-class peddlers. It was like quicksand… Another step and I’d have been swallowed up… (Looking uneasily at the man) You aren’t bored, are you?
Man
Oh, no! Not at all!
Woman
I’d be pinning a cute little ribbon on some lady’s enormous behind, and I’d ask myself: Whatever happened to all those simple women, to all those good women I dreamed of creating beautiful dresses for? Well, they never could afford these ateliers de luxe… (Sighing. Contemptuously) So, I went on taking orders for those high society women, designing evening dresses, cutting out patterns… Yet, all this time, one agonizing thought ran through my head: “Is this really what I was meant for? Is this what my life is all about?”
Man
(Looking at her intently) I guess you’re not quite…
Woman
(Somewhat defiantly) Normal? Is that you wanted to say?
Man
Well, I am trying to understand…
Woman
Haven’t you ever asked yourself that question?
Man
Me?… No.
Woman
(Ironically) You mean it’s clear to you what your life is all about?
Man
Anyways, it’s clear to me how you fell into this god-forsaken hole. (Nods at the wall)
(From behind the wall we hear the rising chorus of the howling dogs)
Woman
(Upset) You mean, how you fell … I pulled myself out of it.
Man
This kind of thinking won’t do you any good.
Woman
It all depends on what you mean by “good.”
(Pause)
Man
OK, so that takes care of your work. But how about your husband? What was his problem?
Woman
Nothing. He turned out–to use your own words–”just like everybody else.”
Man
(Tinge of sarcasm) So what’s the matter with “just like everybody else”? Maybe you want something out of the ordinary?
Woman
Out of the ordinary?… All I’ve ever asked for is that he love me… That’ll do just fine.
Man
(Thinking) So one fine day you just quit your job and left your husband. (Snaps his fingers) Just like that!… And for what? I just don’t get it!
Woman
Well, maybe not “just like that!” At least not in one day… In fact, I probably wouldn’t have made up my mind for a long time, were it not for…
Man
For what?
Woman
(Changing her tone. Feigning indifference) Oh, what’s the use?
Man
Go on!
Woman
Oh, it’s nothing. Really!
Man
For goodness’ sake, spit it out!
Woman
No.
(Brief pause)
Man
Forgive me, Miss, but in my opinion your whole problem is simply that you don’t have a… companion.
Woman
(Weary) I am talking about the meaning of life, and all you can talk about is finding a husband.
Man
Sometimes, it amounts to the same thing.
Woman
You might have a hard time believing this, but I have my share of admirers. I even get proposals now and then.
Man
You mean–like that mustachio a moment ago?… (nodding towards the hallway)
Woman
Maybe.
Man
I bet he’s really stuck on you…
Woman
Why, would you like to unstick him?
Man
Always glad to lend a helping hand!
Woman
Forget it! I’ll take care of this myself.
Man
So what is it, for God’s sake, that you want from life?
Woman
It’s just that none of this is for real… I’ve already tried to explain it to you.
Man
(Tinge of sarcasm) And you won’t settle for anything less than real. Right?
Woman
(Taken aback) And what else is there?
Man
(Sympathetic. Waxes “philosophical”) You’ve got to take life as it is. All of it–what’s real and what’s not so real.
Woman
You mean everything? Everybody? Is that what you mean? (Ponders his statement) No, no way! That’s not what I was taught!
Man
And that’s precisely what’s wrong with you, lady.
Woman
Perhaps.
Man
(Momentarily silent) So what do you want from me?
Woman
I want from you?
Man
Isn’t that why you invited me to have tea?… I’m an old hand at these things… you can’t fool me. You need something from me, don’t you?
Woman
Nothing, nothing at all… I assure you.
Man
Come on, Miss, you don’t really mean that!
Woman
Of course I do! I mean, nothing, I don’t need anything from you. Just keep Bubbles away from here.
Man
You feel sorry for somebody else’s dog?
Woman
Yes, I do, but I feel even more sorry for you.
Man
Why on earth would you want to feel sorry for me?
Woman
If you give up your dog, you’re doomed. Perhaps you’re already doomed.
Man
So you’re writing me off? Is that it? (A little angry) I’ll have you know it’s you who are doomed, not me! Everything is hunky-dory with me. You bet! (Pause) Of course, I do feel sorry for Bubbles. But when you come down to it, a dog is just a dog. (Bravado) If I feel like it, I can always go out and buy a new dog any old time. They say you can get the best puppy in the world for (snaps his fingers) 300 rubles cash!
Woman
(Shaking her head) I see… I guess you are hopeless…
Man
(Cutting her off) Now, look, it’s time you listened to me. (Incoherently)… I really like you, Miss… You’re a good woman. A damn good woman, but you are unhappy. There’s something missing from your life. And what you don’t have I do!… (Thinks for a moment) I’ve gotta admit, though–I’m unhappy, too. There’s something missing from my life, too. It’s something different. But, just the same, something is… missing. And Bubbles won’t be any better off, either. Do you know what I mean?
Woman
Not quite.
Man
Well, take, for instance, the refrigerator. It has three parts: the compressor, the coil and the frame.
Woman
(Completely confused) So?
Man
Each part is completely useless by itself. You might as well throw the whole contraption in the dumpster. But, put them all together, and you have a refrigerator! Now you understand? All of them working together!
Woman
So you are still proposing… Is that it?
Man
(Overjoyed) Yes! Yes! This time I’m for real. Honest!
Woman
No, I’ve had enough.
Man
Why is that?
Woman
Because!
Man
(Coming up from behind, the man puts his arms around her shoulders. Empathetically) Don’t worry! You won’t regret it. I’ll take you away from this revolting place. We’ll throw your smock into the fire. And, if you don’t feel like working at all, be my guest! So don’t worry, we’ll be loaded!… I’ll dress you up like a doll…
Woman
(Sighing) I’ve been trying to tell you… Oh, what’s the use! You’ll never understand.
Man
(Ignores her) I’m a hard-working fellow. I’m really not so bad. In fact, I’m rather obliging.
Woman
And where shall we live?
Man
Well, we could live at my place. We’ll live off the fat of the land. (Suddenly inspired) Come to think of it, I’ve just put the finishing touches to my apartment, and what a lovely sight! The choicest furniture–imported–picked it up in Latvia, the finest carpets from Turkmenia. Color television–you’ll never be bored! A few more rubles, and I’ll have a dacha…
Woman
(Weary) No, you haven’t understood a thing!
Man
Enough!… So, is it settled?… Let’s go. Right now! I’ll help you move.
Woman
With four dogs?
Man
Well, not exactly… that is a bit too many. Just Bubbles. That’ll do.
Woman
(Insistent) And what about the others? What am I supposed to do? Dump them here so they won’t get in the way?
Man
Well, I don’t really know…
Woman
(Dryly) That’s just it: I don’t know either.
Man
Don’t be so obstinate! Everything will work out. Believe it or not, I liked you the moment I first laid eyes on you. Really!
Woman
I, on the other hand, never liked you!… from the moment I first laid eyes on you!
Man
(Cut to the quick) But… why?
Woman
Because a good man would never bring a gorgeous little puppy like Bubbles here!
(Pause)
Man
(Passionately) Circumstances… you know, there are circumstances…
Woman
(Contemptuously) What circumstances?
Man
You know, it hurts me more than…
Woman
(Sarcastic) Oh, you poor little thing!
Man
Stop mocking me! All you do is add insult to injury… No one is more precious to me than Bubbles… Would you believe, I’d sacrifice everything for her!
Woman
(Venomously) Sacrifice? Like what? Like shoving thirty rubles into my hand? Or a hundred? Or maybe 300? Now that would be a pity, wouldn’t it?! With that kind of money, you could buy yourself a new puppy, couldn’t you? Well?!
Man
(Threateningly) Stop it! Stop it! I tell you. Or else, God forbid… I’ve got a real temper, I’ll have you know…. I might knock you down… (Making a fist)
Woman
Go ahead, knock me down!… Go on, hit me! (Lowers her voice) Just tell me one thing: what sacrifices are you ready to make? Well? What sacrifices? (Screaming) What sacrifices?!
Man
(Recoiling from her) Phew! You are a witch…
Woman
(Whispers under her breath) So you are ready to sacrifice everything? Well, let me tell you something. I once had a dog, too. A long time ago. Every morning when I’d go to work, I’d leave her on the balcony. (Voice rising) She just loved gazing at the world from that balcony!… One day, she looked down and saw me running to catch the bus. She must’ve thought somebody was chasing after me because she started barking… Of course, I couldn’t hear her. And it was then that she jumped down from the fifth floor trying to help me…
Man
Did she die?
Woman
(Spitefully) And what do you think?… But she didn’t die right away. And while there was still breath in her, she crawled towards me trying to help me… About a hundred and seventy feet or so. Meanwhile, I jumped on the bus and drove off without noticing a thing. Later, my neighbors told me everything… (Sneering. Pause) Tell me, would you crawl to me if you were dying?
Man
What’s this got to do with me?
Woman
That’s just it: Nothing. Or rather, you’ve nothing to do with it! (Shaking her head) And to think that for one fleeting moment I considered marrying this man. (Talking more to herself than to him) His wife waited for him, the kids were lonely without him, but he couldn’t think of what to say to them on the telephone. He couldn’t even remember what grade his daughter was in. All he can think of is dragging his loot home. (Contemptuously) “Leader of the pack”. Hah!
Man
That’s easy for you to say! You really think I’m happy with my life?
Woman
Of course, you’re happy! You yourself said so. And why not?! No family to worry about, no obligations, no reason to feel bored at home… All you have to do is sit in the train car with your buddies, knock some dominoes around, guzzle up all the vodka you want… (Laughing) It really is a health resort on wheels. And let’s not forget the “gals”– one at every stop, I’ll bet!
Man
Now you’re going too far, lady. I won’t argue with you about the vodka. (Confidentially) You know how the gang is–they’ve gotta get their kicks sometime. (Diffidently) Now about the gals–there ain’t nothing to it! I assure you!
Woman
(Mocking) Right you are! “There ain’t nothing to it!” And how could it be otherwise? There’s hardly enough time for business–for trading in fish, loading meat, dumping fruit–right? Well, you sure know how to make deals. And now you want to trade in your dog? For what? For the life of a wolf?
Man
That’s not true! that’s not true!… And how could you talk like that about my family? It’s my wife that’s to blame! Nobody but her! Why won’t you believe me?
Woman
I would believe you if you hadn’t come here with Bubbles. Surely, Bubbles is not to blame for anything. (The man is silent) You come here slobbering all over, pouring out your heart, when all you really care about is yourself: “Look at me, folks! Ain’t I wonderful? Isn’t it grand how I feel for my dog?!”… (Voice rising in anger) You’re just like the rest of them! All goody-goodies so long as they don’t have to pay up… Actually, none of you really cares. None of you really knows how to love. Besides, you don’t need to be loved all that much, anyway… Why complicate your life? Keep it nice and simple!
Man
We’re all experts when it comes to blaming others. Aren’t we? But take a good look at yourself: Are you any better than me? All right, so I don’t know how to love. But what about you, do you know how?
Woman
(With icy contempt) Don’t worry, I do.
Man
Sure, you know how to love, but who? love who? (He yells unexpectedly) You know how to love dogs, that’s who! You don’t love people… you love dogs! Because you yourself are a dog, a bitch! As a matter of fact, you hate people!
Woman
(Shaken) What makes you say that?
>
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does it matter? The point is you don’t love people.
Woman
(Dejected) It all depends on what kind of people.
Man
No, you don’t love people, period! At work you found them all disgusting. You said so yourself. Your husband was good to you, but you left him. And the minute I walked in here, you found me disgusting, too. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Thank God you don’t bite–not yet, at least.
Woman
You want me to love every Tom, Dick and Harry?
Man
Oh, yes, of course, you’re looking for a “real man.” You need a great, pure love. Just like in the movies. It’s easy enough to love the ideal. (Looks directly into her eyes) Try falling in love with me! A simple ordinary man with flaws and>
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ow to love simple people. You lock yourself up in this slaughterhouse, in this convent, shut off from the world–and then you bitch about “the good and the true.” So is that what life is all about?
(Pause)
Woman
So tell me, what should I love you for?
Man
(Exploding) For nothing! Just for being me! Look at Bubbles. She loves me and never asks why!
Woman
And is this how you reward her for it?! (Man is silent)… Look, you just proposed that we live together. But, while we are living “together,” you’ll be running around all over the country. Isn’t that right? And I’ll be stuck with your color TV, trying not to get bored. But what if I do get bored–and lonely? Or what if I get sick? Will you send me to the bone flour factory, too, so that I won’t get in the way? (Man remains silent) I have no need for the ideal. All I want is love. Can you give me that? (Shakes her head) No! You can’t! You wouldn’t even take my love if I handed it to you on a silver platter! You won’t take anybody’s love unless it’s convenient for you to do so! Well, that’s not good enough for me. (Smiles bitterly) So I am a dog! Let me be a dog, then. That’s just the way I am… (Pause) So we had our little chat, after all, didn’t we? But enough is enough! (Sits down. Reaches for the registration ledger) So, are you giving up your dog?
Man
Listen, lady…
Woman
I’ve already told you: Enough is enough! Are you giving up your dog or not?!
Man
(Hesitating, furious) Never! (He walks out, slamming the door behind him. The woman frowns. We then see a smile on her face. She is obviously greatly relieved. She slams the ledger shut, removes the tableware, teapot and tablecloth from the desk, takes them all outside, then returns. She is all smiles. Just then, as the woman is ready to leave for the day, the man returns, leading Bubbles by the leash. Bubbles is as irrepressible as ever. Seeing the man, the woman questions him with her eyes. The man evidently feels uncomfortable) Excuse me, Miss, I don’t mean to disturb you again, but, you see, now that I got Bubbles, what… what I mean is… where am I going to take her?
Woman
What do you mean “Where?”… Home, of course!
Man
I know what you mean, yes, a home is a home, but…
Woman
But what?
Man
But I have to leave tomorrow. (The woman sinks onto the bench. The man looks away while talking) Not tomorrow… late tonight.
Woman
(Confused. Sighing) Oh, what’s the use? Give her to me. I’ll keep her with me for a while. We’ll think of something when you come back.
Man
No. There’s no point in that.
Woman
Why?
Man
(Agitated) Because! If I wanted to, I could just take more sick leave. I have a doctor friend… One phone call from me and, presto…
Woman
So what’s your problem?
Man
I… just don’t feel like it.
Woman
And why not?
Man
I just don’t.
Woman
Just like that, without any reason?
Man
Everything was so normal before… Now, everything is screwed up. My sister is grumbling, the neighbors are snapping, my boss is breathing down my neck, and, to top it all off, my buddies are going nuts…
Woman
(Comforting him) Take it easy!… No need to torture yourself!… (Softly) It’ll all work out. Believe me!
Man
(Emphatic) No, it won’t work out. Maybe you can take it easy, but I…
Woman
Would you like a cigarette? It’s okay. You can smoke.
Man
No… you see… I used to be in my element in those days, like a fish in water. Now everything is so strange, so different. The trips, the gang… and my big house, crammed with goodies… is empty…
Woman
So?
Man
Oh, nothing. Why do you keep pestering me with questions?
Woman
I just want to know one thing…
Man
What’s it to you? (The woman looks silently at the man) Don’t look at me like that!
Woman
What’s wrong with you?
Man
I don’t know. It’s terrifying. One more day of this and I’ll end up in the slaughterhouse myself. And I sure don’t want to.
Woman
So you can’t wait to go back to your gang, can you?
Man
That’s my business!… (Quietly but obstinately) If it’s all right with you, lady, I’m gonna leave her with you just the same.
Woman
(Severely) I’m sorry, sir. Come back tomorrow.
Man
I can’t. I won’t be in town tomorrow.
Woman
It’s too late. The work day is over. Can’t you see? (Points at the clock on the wall)
Man
(Hint of triumph) Not quite. There’s still another fifteen minutes left on the clock.
(The woman turns to the ledger, then pushes it aside again)
Woman
No, I’m not taking anybody else today.
Man
Why is that? (The woman is silent) After all, you don’t have the right to…
Woman
(Triumphantly) I’m sorry, sir, but your pet is not registered, and the Veterinary Station is closed for the day. I won’t take her without a receipt.
Man
But I did register her. Here, look! (He shows her the receipt)
Woman
(Shaken) By God, when did you have time…
Man
(Cutting her off) Right after I left. Remember. You yourself shouted after me in the hallway: “Don’t forget to have her registered!”
Woman
(Barely audible) Well, all right, then. Leave your dog and go.
Man
Do I have to sign some papers or something?
Woman
No.
Man
(Reaching into pocket) What’s the usual fee?
Woman
(In a tone of resignation) Nothing. Nothing at all… It’s free.
Man
(The man takes the dog in his arms and hugs her) Well, good-bye, Bubbles… (The dog fawns upon her master. Tears well up in the man’s eyes) Forgive me… I… (He sobs, lowers the puppy gently onto the floor and wipes his eyes with his shirt-sleeve)
Woman
(Angrily) All right, that will do! (Calls the dog) Come here, Bubbles! Come here! (Bubbles retreats in fear) Bubbles! (The dog presses against her master’s feet)
Man
(Patting the dog) Don’t be afraid, Bubbles! (To the woman) You’ll be real quick, won’t you? (Sentimental) Be gentle with her, will you? She’s such a sweet little creature…
Woman
(In a fit of temper) For goodness’ sake, go! (We hear once more the muffled howling of dogs. The man is very shaken)
Man
Why are they howling like that?
Woman
(Furious) Why?! My God! You innocent little thing! Don’t you understand?!… “Why are they howling?!”… Because their masters have abandoned them! Because they’re lonely and hungry! Because they don’t want to die… You would be howling, too, if they led you to the slaughterhouse!
Man
But they don’t understand…
Woman
They don’t understand?!… By God! They understand everything! They’re just like you and me! In fact, they are better than you or me! Would Bubbles ever desert you for a scrap of meat? Would she send you to the deathhouse to make her life a little more comfortable? Why, she would do anything in the world for you… And you… (Sneering)… Distinguished Railroad Worker… (She picks up the man’s jacket left behind on the desk, then hits him over the head with it. The man defends himself feebly. Growling, Bubbles courageously runs to her master’s defense, jumps, tries to bite the woman’s hand, then pulls her by her dress. The woman continues attacking the man without paying attention to the dog) You are not killing your dog, you’re killing your soul! I’d rather kill myself than… Get out of here, get out! (Kicks him out and throws his jacket after him)
(Pause)
Woman
(The woman, breathing heavily, returns to her desk. Not having noticed, in the heat of battle, that her master had disappeared, Bubbles sniffs restlessly around the room, runs up to the entrance door and scrapes at it with her paws. The woman, in utter disbelief, repeats confusedly) He’s gone… Oh, God, he’s gone… Really? (From behind the wall we hear the muffled howling of the dogs. We are reminded of a requiem. The woman sighs, picks up the receipt left by the man on the desk, takes the ledger and makes a little mark in it. She then puts on rubber gloves and opens wide the door leading into the interior. Instantly, the room is inundated with the deafening howls of dogs condemned to death. The woman walks up to Bubbles, who, in terror, clings to the floor. The woman takes her by the leash and drags her into the interior. The dog holds her ground obstinately) Come here, Bubbles, come on! Here, here Bubbles!… What can we do? It just can’t be helped. (Bubbles resists. The woman pulls harder. The puppy digs deep into the floor with all four paws. She’s too weak and the rope drags her towards the dark chamber within. The woman drags Bubbles right up to the chamber entrance. But when she looks at the dog, the leash slips out of her hand, and she falls exhausted to the floor. At first, Bubbles hesitates but then walks up to the woman, licks her face and sits down beside her).
END
HOW TO CONTACT US
Valentin Krasnogorov,
Playwright
[a.k.a. Valentin Fainberg]
Faculty of Mechanical Engineering
Technion,
Haifa 32000,
ISRAEL
Email: merghvf@techunix.technion.ac.il
http://techunix.technion.ac.il/~merghvf/
Benjamin Sher,
Translator
802-C Fern St.
New Orleans, LA 70118
Email: sher07@mindspring.com
http://www.websher.net
