THE DOG
A TRAGEDY IN TWO ACTS
by
VALENTIN KRASNOGOROV
[a.k.a. Valentin Fainberg]
Russian Translator: Benjamin Sher
(Translation Copyright © 1992 by Benjamin Sher)
Translated Under an Exclusive Agreement With The Playwright
AS PERFORMED THROUGHOUT RUSSIA
[Final --
Jan 20, 1998]
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
A MAN
A WOMAN
A DOG
The dog should be played by a young girl, preferably, nine to twelve years old.
Although we shall characterize her stage action in "canine" terms
(e.g. "she wags her tail", etc...), the actress ought to play her
role in "human" terms.
Place
Somewhere in Russia
Time
1980's
ACT ONE
(An uncomfortable room with bare walls. The room is
furnished with nothing more than a desk, several seedy-looking chairs, and a
bench. A dilapidated door leads into the interior of the building. A woman,
wearing a shabby smock, is sitting at her desk. She is sewing an evening dress.
Every now and then she glances at a fashion magazine on her desk. Enter a man
holding a puppy tenderly in his arms. The puppy is wrapped in his jacket. See
note above about how the puppy should be played)
Man
Good
afternoon.
Woman
(Tears herself away from the sewing machine. Gives
him a dirty look) How do you do? (She resumes her sewing. Unfolding the jacket,
the man carefully lowers the puppy onto the floor. The puppy scurries nimbly
about the room sniffing her unfamiliar surroundings. The man keeps shifting
from one foot to the other. He obviously doesn't feel in his element and
doesn't know how to strike up a conversation)
Man
Cold,
don't you think? Cold and sunny. So damn cold out
there! Who'd have thought?...
(Woman goes on with her sewing without responding. Man sits down, reaches for
his cigarettes, flicks his lighter)
Woman
(Hostile
tone) No smoking on the premises.
(Man puts lighter and cigarettes away)
Man
Imagine!
One day about six weeks ago I was sitting in my apartment with nothing to do...
So I said to myself: "Why not go to the store and pick up something?"
(Expressive gesture) So I open the door to my apartment, and--would you
believe!--this little puppy darts right in. You'd swear she'd been hanging
around for just this. A little brown puppy with a white spot on her chest,
intelligent little eyes, drooping ears. The cutest little
thing. This wasn't a dog. It was a bundle of joy! But why am I going on
like this? There is no need to describe her. Here she is right before your very
eyes. Isn't she gorgeous?
Woman
(She remains silent,
refusing so much as to glance at the dog)
Man
At
first, I was sure she was an abandoned dog. Then, after looking a little
closer, I changed my mind: She couldn't be a stray dog. She was so
affectionate, so sleek, so fat, you could lick the
soup off her lips. So I say to myself: "So long as no one comes looking
for her, why not play with her for a while." So I pour milk into a bowl,
pat her--and still no sign of the owner. So I say to myself: "How the hell
is the owner supposed to know that his dog is here?" So I go outside, hang
a "Dog Found" flyer on the front door of the house, in the store and
at the bus stop, you know: DOG FOUND AT SUCH AND SUCH A PLACE ON SUCH AND SUCH
A DAY. FOR DETAILS CALL SUCH AND SUCH, ETC. I return home, wait for someone to
call, and--would you believe it--no one calls.
Woman
(Indifferently)
Abandoned. (Goes on sewing)
Man
(Indignant)
Abandoned? This cute little puppy? Impossible! Lost, I
am sure, but... Anyway, I wait for awhile, then I say
to myself: "No one's bothered to claim her, so I might as well give her a
bath. After all, who knows what filthy gutters she's been hanging around... So I pour a little warm water into the bathtub, put her
in. Suddenly, I'm terrified. What if she starts whimpering? Or scratching?
Nothing of the sort! She takes one look at the water, sniffs at it, laps it
with her tongue for a minute, then stands there as calm as can be. Just stands there looking at me. So I pick up a bar of soap
and say: "Bubbles, give me your paw!" And, would you believe, she
raises her paw just like I told her to!
Woman
(Perplexed,
listlessly) And why "Bubbles"? What sort of
name is this?
Man
(Confused)
I really don't know... It just came into my head. She is a feisty little
puppy... and she is little... and she is a girl. So there you have it:
"Bubbles". Of course, it could've something to do with the bubbles in
the bathtub. She's some bulldog, you know!
Woman
She's a boxer and not a bulldog.
Man
Oh,
yeah, I know but when I found her I thought she was a bulldog... So I washed
all four of her little paws, then her back and wrapped her in a towel. Then I
put her on my lap, and all of a sudden, she starts licking my face... Then and
there I knew I'd never give her up! (Calling Bubbles) Bubbles,
come here! (The puppy runs up to her master) Shake! (The puppy raises her paw)
Now the other paw! (The puppy offers the other paw) Good dog! (The man caresses
his dog. Bubbles lies down at his feet)
Woman
What
about the owner? Did he ever show up?
Man
No,
and thank God he didn't! (He pats the dog) Ever since then my life's changed
around completely. No matter where I am, night or day, I rush home as soon as I
can ... I open the door and, would you believe, she is jumping all over, beside
herself with joy. And me too, I am so happy I could cry. So I go out and buy
her her own little rug and her own little bowl. I even start cooking soup for
her... she's so full of life, so playful. And, boy, is she smart!... (Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little stick)
You don't believe me? Well, just watch! Fetch Bubbles, fetch! (He tosses the
stick to Bubbles. She pounces on it, catches it in her mouth and returns it to
her master, who takes the stick out of her mouth and pats her. He turns to the
woman and says with pride) See what I mean?! There was a time when I knew
nothing about them. In fact, I couldn't have cared less for these bulldogs or
boxers or what have you. It's those jaws, you know. Downright terrifying... And
it's true--on the surface these dogs look so vicious. But deep down you
couldn't find a gentler soul. And they really aren't that ugly... As a
matter of fact, Bubbles' face has kind of grown on me. So what if she isn't the
most beautiful dog in the world? To me, she is gorgeous.
Woman
And
just why are you telling me all this?
Man
Who
else can I tell all this to?
Woman
Whomever you please.
Man
Aren't you interested?
Woman
No, I'm not.
Besides, I am up to my neck with work.
(Returns to her sewing machine. Pause)
Man
Everybody
kept telling me: "A dog is nothing but trouble."... Trouble? What trouble? Joy! Nothing but! Except,
of course, that she catches colds easily. But, don't worry! I have seen
to that. I 've knit her a little vest. In fact, I
intended to put it on her today, but when I looked through the window, it
looked so warm outside. The sun can really fool you. So I had to carry Bubbles
in my arms all the way here. I'm walking along and, would you believe it, I
keep seeing her curious little eyes peeping from under the jacket. Funny, isn't
it? (Pats dog. Solicitously) I hope she doesn't get
sick. (Takes off his jacket and covers the dog with it. Pause)
Woman
Well, have you talked
yourself out yet?
(The man doesn't answer. The woman puts her sewing aside, opens a big ledger on
her desk, picks up her pen and says) First name,
please?
Man
I have already told you:
"Bubbles."
Woman
No, not hers. Yours.
Man
(Reluctantly)
Mikhail.
Woman
Surname?
Man
Kovalyof.
Woman
Do
you have your certificate of registration?
Man
What
certificate?
Woman
Those are the rules. Every
pet must be registered with the Veterinary Station in the owner's name.
Man
I
don't have a certificate. Why do you need it?
Woman
That's the way it's done.
The dog could be somebody else's, you know. (Starts writing) Your
address, sir?
Man
For
God's sake, could you please stop writing for just one minute...
We'll think of something, won't we? Just look at her! So
affectionate. Positively gorgeous? Don't you
think?
Woman
All
boxers are affectionate.
Man
And,
boy, is she smart! Positively amazing! Let me tell you
a story. You won't believe it. We were walking along...
Woman
(Cutting him off) Please,
sir, no more stories. When it comes to dogs, I assure you I wasn't born
yesterday.
Man
But
please, Madam, just hear me out... we were...
Woman
Enough
is enough! I'm not much for idle chatter.
Man
Why
on earth must you be such a sourpuss?
Woman
(Sarcastically)
Because that's just the way I am. (Picks up pen)
Man
That's
a shame!
Woman
(Aggressively)
Why, am I being rude?
Man
No,
not at all, but...
Woman
Am
I violating any rules?
Man
No,
of course not, but...
Woman
Or am I detaining you with
long-winded conversations?
Man
No,
nothing of the sort, but...
Woman
Or
perhaps you expect me to get up (gets up, advances toward him) and offer you a
cup of tea?--(Ironically) "While you're at it, Ma'am, why not throw a
piece of cake into the bargain?"--Is that what you want? And to think, my
goodness, that I forgot to express my profound gratitude for your visit:
(Ironically) "Thank you, sir, for your gracious visit. Be sure to look in
on us more often... It has been a great pleasure..." (Sits down, regains
composure)
Man
(Pulling
back) Please don't blow your top, Ma'am! I really didn't mean it the way it
sounded.
(The woman picks up her pen silently and reaches for the ledger)
Woman
Address?
Man
Don't
you think she might qualify as a show dog? I am serious! I've trained her
myself. (Gives command) Bubbles, sit! (Bubbles springs to life, happy as can
be, and wags her tail) I said: "Sit!" (Bubbles rubs her nose against
her master's feet and, looking him in the eye, tries to understand his command.
The man addresses the woman apologetically) She's just a puppy, you know.
(Protectively) She is too young to understand... (To Bubbles) Sit! (Bubbles sits down and looks up devotedly at her master. The latter,
beaming with pride, continues) Did you see that? And
look at the way she is sitting-- paws to the side, head tilted... pure
pedigree!
Woman
(Involuntarily
gazing at the dog) Yes, she is pure-bred!
Man
(Excitedly)
You bet! She's gonna win some medals all right! (To Bubbles) You will, won't
you, honey? (To the woman) The Kennel Club will pounce on her! You'll see!
Woman
No,
they won't.
Man
And why not? What do you mean?
Woman
She
doesn't have any papers... as proof of pedigree.
Man
So?... Take a good look at her and tell me she isn't pedigree!
Besides, she isn't some fancy countess, so why does she need papers?
Woman
That's
just the way it's done!
Man
You mean she can't even
breathe without a certificate? Like us humans?
Woman
That's right.
Man
And
why is that?
Woman
(Sighing)
For a dog lover, you are incredibly naive. I assure you the Kennel Club won't
take her.
Man
What's
wrong with them? Aren't they human?
Woman
That's
just the point. I mean, they are human.
(Pause)
Man
Well,
couldn't she be a watchdog someplace?
Woman
No,
they only take German shepherds for that. And only males.
Yours is female. (Silence. The man reaches for a
cigarette) No smoking!
Man
I'm
sorry. (Thrusts cigarettes back into shirt pocket)
Woman
Why
did you bring her here, anyway, sir? Was it your wife's doing? Perhaps the dog
got in her way?
Man
No,
I live alone.
Woman
How
is that?
Man
The
usual thing... wife ran off with the kids.
Woman
Just
got up and left, huh? What was it about you, if I may ask, that she didn't
like?
Man
The
hell with her! That... I don't want to say anything
bad about her. And don't ask me to say anything good about her either. There
isn't any.
Woman
Really? Nothing good?!
Man
Please,
let's not talk about her. O.K.?
Woman
So, how are you getting
along now?
Man
Oh...
so and so... I am sort of a loner. There's only one thing in the whole world
that's mine... Come Bubbles, come! (Pats dog)
Woman
So
why not keep the dog?
Man
But what about my work?
Woman
Everybody
works, sir. Why should a dog be a problem?
Man
That
depends on the kind of work. For example, I work for the railways. I'm always
on the road...
Woman
Somehow,
you've managed quite well till now, haven't you?
Man
That's
just it: "Somehow". At first I took vacation leave--three weeks'
worth. Then I got lucky: I caught a cold! So I called in sick... Finally, I had
to go back to work. Couldn't help it. But I refused to
go on the road, at least for the time being... I worked at the depot. But this
was no solution. Bubbles was home all alone,
whimpering, howling. The neighbors swamped the Complaints Bureau with abusive
letters, cursing, frothing at the mouth, threatening to kill her! (Momentary
silence) And they'll do it, too, those swine! You know what sort of people we
are dealing with here, don't you?
Woman
I certainly do!
(Pause)
Man
(Beseechingly)
So what should I do? I'm at my wits' end.
Woman
It's not so bad. It's a
little hard at first, but when she grows up, she'll get used to staying home
alone.
Man
Yes,
yes, but I can't be stuck in the depot forever. They need me on the road. The
crew is getting restless. They're saying: "Stop playing the fool or quit
your job and let somebody else have it." So you see, don't you, I'm at a
dead end.
Woman
Couldn't
you leave your dog with someone while you're away? You know, for a day or two?
Man
For a day or two, maybe... but not for a month or
how about three?
Woman
Three
months?! I've never heard of trips lasting that long. You could go around the
world in that time. Are you serious?
Man
Yes, indeed, lady! You
see, we are refrigeration specialists. We work for the railroads.
Woman
Refrigeration specialists?
Man
Yes.
We're in charge of the refrigeration cars. (Authoritatively) It's our
professional responsibility to maintain the appropriate temperature wherever
needed. You know what I mean?
Woman
But
why do your trips take so long?
Man
How
else could you do it? For instance, we load up with fish in Murmansk and
unload in Tashkent in the
south. In Tashkent, we
stuff our cars with fruit and drive on to the Pacific. We then dump the fruit
and load up on meat. From there we head for Moscow. And so
on. Sometimes we are on the road for six months at a stretch. So, tell me, who
has time for a dog?
Woman
Have
you tried finding a home for her with your friends?
Man
(Dejectedly)
Yes, but nobody wants her. One person complains that his apartment is too small, another says he is going away for the summer. No one
has time for a dog. Everybody puts up such a fuss...
Woman
I
know... nobody has any time.
Man
There's this kid in our
apartment house. He pestered me for days on end: "Let me have Bubbles,
Mister, please, pretty please!" So I gave him the puppy. Boy, you should
have seen him. He was in heaven.
Woman
So
what happened then?
Man
His
mother comes running back with the puppy: "I'm
sorry, sir, but I can't let a dog keep my boy away from his studies. I won't
allow it!" While she raves and rants, the poor boy is standing right
behind her crying his heart out... (Pause) So I take Bubbles to my
sister's--she'd been moaning about how she wants a dog for ages. Well, believe
it or not, Sadie says no. Why not, you ask? (The woman shrugs her shoulders)
You'd never guess! Pedigree! "A royal poodle I would take,"
she says, "but boxers, well... they're out of fashion these days."
That's my Sadie for you. What do you make of that? (Strokes Bubbles while
talking to her) Listen, Bubbles! You aren't in fashion any more! Did you know
that? Sadie wants a poodle. Not just any old poodle, honey. A royal poodle!
Woman
It's
true. Boxers are no longer in fashion.
Man
In
fashion?! What do I care about fashion? Bubbles isn't
some piece of clothing! (Pounds the desk with his fist) How can you talk about
fashion when it comes to living things! Maybe you and I are out of fashion! Did
you ever think about that? (Jabs his finger into the fashion
magazine lying on the woman's desk. Sarcastically) So
what are those chic fashion magazines of yours saying about us? Ha! Sooner or
later, we'll all end up in the dumpster!
Woman
(Pushing the fashion
magazine aside) Pipe down, sir, pipe down, please! Why all this rage? (Silence. The man reaches for his cigarettes) No smoking!
(The man puts the cigarettes back in his shirt pocket. Pause)
Man
(Restless)
So I sweated over this business all month until finally last Tuesday I took
Bubbles and rode with her to the other end of town. Well... and I left her
there... I said to myself: Someone will give her a home. Then I went home.
Would you believe, the moment I stepped inside my apartment, I felt like
howling. One look at her bowl and at the little ball she used to chew on and
this horrible feeling comes over me... Three days pass. Late one night I hear
someone scraping at the door. I open the door--it's her! It's Bubbles! Thin as
a rake, pooped out... and what's the first thing she does? She leaps all over
me, licking and barking... I felt like scum... real scum... (When Bubbles
senses that she is being talked about, she jumps up, wags her tail and curls up
at her master's feet. Man's voice trembles) Tomorrow, it's back on the road.
(Pause)
Woman
(Unexpectedly
severe) Now look here, sir! This is no place for heart-rending farewells! I
have enough to do around here as it is.
Man
Why,
am I in your way?
Woman
(Spitefully)
No, why should you be? You're a great help! (Pause) So, have you decided to
give up your dog or not?
Man
(Flaming
up) Give up? Why, you dog! You bark and carry on... You just wait! Soon you'll
be biting like a dog. Yes, you sound just like a bitch! (Catching the woman's
unfriendly glance, he proceeds a little more cautiously)... I'm sorry, Ma'am,
but that's the only word that fits.
Woman
It's
all right, sir. I really don't consider it an insult.
Man
So much the better.
Woman
Of
course, if you keep on running off at the mouth, I shall have to show you out.
You can't conduct yourself here as if you were at home. This is a respectable
establishment. (Silence) Well, sir, do you intend to sit here all day? Do you
see that hallway? (Pointing to door) I'll bet there's a line forming out there
right now.
Man
It's
so hard for me to make up my mind. Do you understand?
Woman
If
it's so hard, then you shouldn't have come. People are waiting, while you
rattle on and on.
Man
There
wasn't anybody waiting when I came.
Woman
Yes,
but it's almost closing time. They'll be lining up soon enough.
Man
Lady,
you don't have a heart. That's what's wrong with you.
Woman
That's
the way I am.
Man
You
could use a little feeling, you know.
Woman
(Ironically)
What for?
Man
(Surprised)
Why a little feeling?
Woman
Yes.
Man
What
kind of question is that?
Woman
And
you--you have this "feeling"?
Man
Another strange question!
Sure, I'll give you an answer! What I'm trying to say is that you're...
Woman
(Cutting
him off) Leave me out of this, please! (Pause) Who is giving up the dog, you or
I? (The man remains silent) Well, now that we agree on
something, why don't we drop all this prattle about feelings, and get on with
the business at hand. (Pause) So your dog is not registered?
Man
No,
she's not.
Woman
(Maliciously
yet with quiet triumph) In that case, I won't take her.
Man
And why not?
Woman
Regulations,
sir! First, you'll have to pay a five ruble fine for illegal possession of an
animal. Then come and see me. And with a receipt.
(Slams the ledger shut)
Man
(Confused)
Where do I pay the fine?
Woman
At the Third Veterinary Station.
Man
(Exasperated)
Receipts, vets, shmets! What will they think of next?...
Just to add to our misery! (The woman doesn't respond) What if I pay the fine
directly to you?
Woman
No
need for that, sir!
Man
OK,
forget the five. How about ten? (Hands her the money)
Woman
(Sneering)
Aren't we being generous today?
Man
(Disturbed)
What's the matter? Not enough? I have lots more where that came from. (Again
reaches into his pocket)
Woman
I've
already said there is no need for that.
Man
What
difference does it make where I pay the fine?
Woman
A
big difference--if you ask me!
Man
Why should I have to drag
myself from office to office?
Woman
That's
your problem, sir.
Man
You
mean--otherwise you won't take her?
Woman
Precisely!
Man
(Sighing)
So where is this Vet Station of yours?
Woman
(Reluctantly)
It's close by. In the adjacent building.
Man
Thanks.
(Prepares to leave. Stops in his
tracks. Defiant) No way, lady! I won't go! Here, take it! (Again reaches
into his pocket) Do you have change for 25 rubles?
Woman
(Laughing)
If I had that kind of money, somebody would have snatched me up long ago!
Man
You
mean you're not married?
Woman
I'm
afraid not.
Man
(The
man ponders the situation for a moment. His face beams) I have an idea... (With delight. Authoritatively) May I respectfully propose
that you take Bubbles home with you? You won't feel so lonely then.
Woman
And
I thought you were about to propose... to me.
Man
(Looks at her significantly for the very first time. With
bravado) Now that you mention it, I'm all yours. Just give the word.
Woman
Just like that?
Man
Sure,
why wait? I'll be back on the road tomorrow.
Woman
I'll
bet you would do anything for your dog, wouldn't you?
Man
What makes you say that?... We'd make a great match, lady! You and me!
Woman
But
I don't have a heart. Remember?
Man
It's
true, you sure have a temper! But I'll take the risk.
Woman
How
brave you are! You aren't afraid of anything, are you?
Man
Afraid? Of what?
After putting up with my ex? Nothing could be more terrifying than her.
Woman
You
must have been in love with her. You can't seem to get her out of your mind.
Man
Well,
to be frank, she really wasn't bad. She was just like any other wife. I
could've lived with her, even if she did nag me to death... I'd just play deaf.
I could forgive her an awful lot, but (voice rising) what I could never forgive
her for (pounding the desk with his fist) is... leaving me. I'll never forgive
her for that! (Bubbles jumps up, startled. The man calms her down) Sit down,
sit down, honey. No need to be afraid. (Once again the dog curls up at her
master's feet)
Woman
Why
did she leave you?
Man
Why
don't you ask her yourself... I don't really know what
the hell more she could have wanted. We had a fine house crammed with
everything under the sun. Everything worked like magic: the doors, the faucets,
the locks. As smooth as a machine. There were shelves
and dressers and cabinets everywhere you looked. Would you believe, I made them
all with my own hands!... And when it came to money...
boy oh boy!... You know, lady, (looking directly into
her eyes as he leans over the desk) I rake in more money in one month than a
dozen poor stiffs in a year.
Woman
And
where do you get this kind of money, may I ask? Do the railroads pay that
much?!
Man
(Satirical)
Of course! If you don't mind waiting till doomsday!...
(Haughty) We manage very well on our own, thank you!
Woman
How
is that?
Man
(Slightly embarrassed)
Well, when we load up with fish in Murmansk--we put
away some of the action for ourselves.
Woman
"We"? Who is "we"?
Man
The gang. The buddies I work with on the
refrigeration cars... We then dump the fish in Tashkent. They
can never get enough of it. We then load up with fruit and off we go to Siberia...
That's how I earn...
Woman
Your daily bread?
Man
Bread? (Laughs) Not only bread, Miss!
Try bread and butter. And, you guessed it, everybody
wants to get on our gravy train. (Laughs again at own humor) "Sure,"
I say, "you can join, but how about three grand
for starters." (Boastful) Even then, who knows, I may not want to give
them a piece of the action.
Woman
You
have done well for yourself, haven't you?
Man
(Proud) Sure, a man has
gotta make a living, don't you think? But, believe me, it's not been all
downhill. We have problems, too, like everybody else. If you want to make a
killing in this business, you gotta know how to manage. Nothing gets done by
itself. Sometimes we come into a station and hang around for three weeks before
they load the train. That smart alec Director--you
know, of Warehouses--well, he passes our cars like he doesn't know who we are.
The bastard just keeps staring at the sky. Meanwhile, there go our annual
bonuses--right down the drain! (Emphasizes with hand gesture while looking
directly into the woman's eyes) No grease, no action! Know what I mean, lady?!...
Then come the big shots. They all want their
cut... But don't worry, I've been at this
refrigeration business fourteen years. I've got customers everywhere... The
gang sticks to me like
glue.
Woman
Why,
are they children or something? Don't they know how to take care of themselves?
Man
(With
bravado) Where would they be without me? They are greedy little
bastards, but brains they ain't got. Just recently, we got stuck at a station
in Georgia. So I
went to investigate, to see what's what. Meanwhile, the guys get wind of a
shipment of brandy. They find out where the tank is, pick up their bottle...
would you believe, a 10 gallon milk can (laughing)... we had this can put aside
for just these occasions--and then they fly off like a band of gypsies to pour
themselves some. And--you guessed it--they leave the car unguarded. And I keep
beating it into their heads night and day: "Never leave the car
unprotected!"
Woman
(Cutting
him off) Wait a second! What do you mean by "pour themselves some"?
Man
Well,
there are all sorts of ways... in fact, by the time we're done with it, the can
is full, but so is the tank! Ha-ha! (laughs) and no
one is the wiser... so they "pour" it, all right. (Still laughing)
Then they turn around and go back. Just then I show up on the
scene--would you believe, no car!
Woman
What
do you mean "no car"?
Man
The
usual thing, you know... we run around in circles, some here, some there, until we wear our butts off. By a miracle, we
found our refrigeration car two kilometers away. Right next to it we found a
freight truck, and in this truck we saw a bunch of no-good crooks making off
with carcasses--I'm talking dozens of carcasses--from our car. So one guy grabs
a crowbar, another grabs a monkey-wrench and, boy, we finally get our car back.
But the truck scampered off with our meat, and the milk
container is nowhere in sight. Must've happened while we were busy
fighting... (Mocking) "Are they children or something?" Is that what
you just asked?! Are you kidding?
Woman
You
do lead a strange life.
Man
Not
really, it's all quite normal.
Woman
And your buddies? Aren't
they strange?
Man
As normal as you and me. They're
just a bit too efficient for their own good.
Woman
And you?
Man
Well,
I could teach them a lesson or two. As a matter of fact, I'm sort of
"leader of the pack". I've got to stay on top or else they'll chew me
to pieces.
Woman
So
what was it about you that your wife couldn't stand?
Man
(Taken
aback) What?! (Thinking) Well, you see, she was bored. I work my ass off like a
mule. I dress her up from head to toe and she is "bored"! Do you have
any idea how many dresses she's got, not to mention every other piece of junk
she's managed to squeeze out of me? You could run a train for a whole year on
her wardrobe. And all I ever heard from her was: "Give up your job! Quit
that job of yours, honey!"
Woman
She
didn't like those long separations, did she?
Man
That, too. But even when I was home,
would you believe, she wouldn't let me go play dominoes with my buddies.
"It's enough," she'd say, "just trying to get you to see the
kids." And I...
Woman
(Cutting
him off) Are the kids grown up?
Man
Well,
now they're grown up. My son just finished school, and my daughter is in
ninth grade... No, I take it back, in eighth...
Woman
(Pensive. Tinge of sarcasm) I understand!
Man
And,
on top of that, she took offense because I wouldn't call or write. What is
there to call about? It's always the same routine with us: we load up and get a
move on, we move on and we unload.
Woman
(Pensive. Tinge of sarcasm) I understand!
Man
She
didn't know how to wait, wouldn't stay faithful... (pats
Bubbles) Take a look at this bundle of joy with drooping ears! So tiny but,
boy, is she loyal. And you keep talking about my wife... that wife of mine is
no match for her.
Woman
I
am not talking about her.
Man
(Making
a fist) The bitch... she was lucky, she got away with it. She ran off before I
had a chance to... if I had caught her with that bastard... I would've beaten
them both to a pulp. (Silent for a moment)... Anyway, good riddance! That's all
in the past, and I am not about to look back. What's done is done. But, why
don't you tell me something about yourself?... So, why
aren't you married?
Woman
Just like that? You expect
me to spill out my guts to you? Just like that?
Man
And why not?
Woman
(A
hint of rudeness) Well, I'll have you know, sir, that I don't go around
spilling my guts out to strangers.
Man
Boy,
you are a feisty gal, aren't you?
Woman
I'm
sorry, but that's the way I am. (Pause) Well, are you giving up the dog or not?
(With trembling fingers, the man reaches for his cigarette pack and thrusts it
back into his shirt pocket)
Man
She
won't feel anything, Miss, will she?
Woman
No,
don't worry. It won't hurt. A little jolt and it's all
over.
(The man looks at the dog. Catching his gaze, Bubbles wags her tail in delight.
The woman picks up her pen and reaches for the ledger)
Man
(Ill at ease)
What are you writing there?
Woman
I
am recording your dog's...
Man
(Slams the ledger shut) Wait
a minute! Why are you in such a hurry?... For you,
Bubbles is just another animal. But to me she is a lot more... You may think it's funny, but--would you believe--she makes me feel like a
human being again. At long last, somebody really needs me. But the main thing
is that she doesn't love me for my money or my job... not even because I'm kind
to her. She just loves me, that's all. (Pause) And how she waits for me everyday. It's such a joy to come
home... I turn on the TV and there she is lying at my feet. Such
a cute, warm little creature. You know, we watch television together...
In fact, I've even given up drinking... Do you understand? I'm a god to her!
I'm everything to her! And now you want to turn on the knife-switch on her?!
(Pause)
Woman
In
that case, why don't you wait for a while? Think about it for a day or two.
Maybe you'll find a way out.
Man
I
can't wait any longer. I've agonized over this long enough. And I've gotta get
back to work.
Woman
Come
on, couldn't you wait a few more days?
Man
No, I've already
dilly-dallied long enough. I've already taken time off, changed shifts, asked
friends to house-sit for me... (sighing) I don't have
any more strength left in
me.
Woman
(Decisively)
Well, then, why don't you hand her over and be done with it?
Man